December 2, 2013

"The Lady Dies"

This is something that has been on my mind for quite a while. It seems like everywhere I look, I see so many women who have forgotten what it is to be a lady. Being a lady is not a four-letter word, or anything to be ashamed of. I grew up watching women being ladies, and it just seems that it's a dying art these days. Maybe I'm just getting old! But there is something to be said for being a lady :)




"The Lady Dies"

the lost art of the lady
the gentleness of the refined woman
diminishing
fading into the background
as the world passes her by
eulogizes her glory
and reminisces on her days of splendor
lady
lady
what has happened to you
your beauty now replaced
by cheaper
weaker reflections of womanhood
you have given yourself away
only to find you have become
exactly who you have looked down upon
the lady dies
your demand for respect
has left you bitter and lonely
the lady dies
lady
lady
you have closed your legs
and opened your mind
only to go unnoticed
ignored
and dumped by the side of the road
the lady dies
you have bartered small pieces of your soul
for love
or something that gets you through another night
the lady
she dies
your death is slow
painful
and void of light
who is this lady
she is the strong single mom
she is the woman with the bright eyes
yet sad heart
the lady does not live on her back
or her knees
but make no mistake
she is all woman
she is the quiet woman
who watches her counterparts
soak up the limelight
she is the hottest pot on the stove
although never is she put on the front burner
she is the most beautiful of all
the sparkling diamond
in a sea of pearls
if you care to take a closer look
you will find that she is everywhere
she answers to the name lady
because she knows in her heart
she has no choice
she is a lady
whether you are looking or not
whether you respect or understand her
whether she is ignored
or secretly adored
the lady cries
loves
waits
hopes
and she dies
but
she remains a lady

Copyright Antoinette Davis
12/2/2013

November 16, 2013

"Clarity and Revelations of a Fat Girl - The Healing Continues"

 


"Clarity and Revelations of a Fat Girl - The Healing Continues"

 
For so many years, I have looked at my body. I've never liked it, and I always wondered why. The reason is so obvious. You can say it's always been the elephant in the room. It's because I'm fat.

This body and this fat I've carried for most of my life is the reason I have hidden myself in plain sight. My mother used to ask me when I was going to stop hiding myself. I had no idea what she meant then. After much reflection, I've finally been able to see the small ways I've hidden and diminished who I am, and what I look like. I've always had pretty hair. It's kind of long, and I'd always pulled it back into a knot, cut it off, or covered it with a hair piece of some kind. I recently lost about 40 pounds, and I would catch myself still wearing the clothes that were too big. I refused dates without so much as a second thought. I've never physically walked with my eyes or head down, but believe me when I tell you I had mastered the art of averting my eyes when I walked down the street. I knew how to keep people away from me.

Even though I felt bad about myself, deep, deep down inside, I always felt like this dynamic person. Then I'd look in my mirror and all of those wonderful things I felt would be absorbed, denied, and ultimately torn apart because of how I looked. How many times growing up did you hear a fat woman described as beautiful and dynamic? I'll wait because I'm sure that it will take you a while to think of a name. Who in their right mind would want to hide themselves? I would imagine that there are as many reasons as there are people on the planet.

What started me asking myself why I'm fat all stemmed from me asking God to PLEASE heal my heart, and take away my pain. I knew in my head that my pain and me being fat was connected to me being molested at the age of 5. In my head, of course, I had made the connection. When I sent up my desperate prayer to God, He answered it. BUT I had no idea that I would be gutted in the process. I didn't know that my 1 prayer would lead to sleepless nights, daily doubts, and too many tears to count. I wanted to give up on this healing so many times, but God never gives up until He is finished.

I had to start getting honest with myself and start asking some hard questions. Why was it that I would put energy into changing everything I hated except for my weight? I hated my job, so I quit. I felt that I needed to work on my relationship with God, so I did and am still doing that. I felt that I was holding onto too many unwanted items in my apartment, so I've been tossing stuff left and right. I didn't feel like I was spoiling myself enough, so I started treating myself to pedicures. But when it came to my weight, until very recently, I did absolutely nothing to change it.

When I look back to my childhood, I remember that my mom (RIP) didn't like it when people would tell me and my sibling that we were cute and pretty. It's like there was a limit on how many times people would be allowed to make comments about how we looked. I asked her why she did that, and she said she didn't want us to grow up vain and self-centered. I can absolutely respect that but I wonder if she knew how badly I needed to hear good things about myself. I believe her heart was in the right place, and she never spoke negatively to us about ourselves. I grew up feeling that there was something wrong with being attractive. I've always been overly-modest, and sometimes it's still hard for me to accept compliments. I don't blame her for what she did, but I don't think she ever knew that I felt that what she did LOOKED LIKE she was tearing me down. To a child, that's how it would look. Wow. Ouch! Of course, that wasn't the case.

After my crazy, desperate prayer, I started to really pat attention to the words that I'd speak. I started to change the things I said and thought about myself. All those words I associated with being fat (unlovable, ugly, unworthy, worthless, hideous) - I fought with everything I had to banish them from my heart. It was so much easier to make that connection in my head that I was none of these things. It took me quite a while to make that connection in my heart of hearts, and my spirit. But I did! And when I did make that connection, I started to notice that people reacted differently to me. I saw men rushing to open doors for me. Strangers stop to say the nicest things to me. People smiled at me when I walked down the street. I suspect this was always the case, but I was seeing it all through new eyes.

Ok, so here we are now. I've walked through the fire, and FINALLY dealt with the pain of my past. I've made the connection of the past and this fat body. So why am I still fat after all of this hard work I have put into myself? I think that it used to be ok with me, and now it just isn't ok anymore. It's not!

What do I know, and what have I learned about my battle with my weight? What do I know now? I know that the weight is a manifestation of what was done to me, and it's not a true representation of who or what I really am. I know that although I am happy with the 40 lbs. I have lost, I'm nowhere NEAR ready to give up until I lose it all. I know that I reject any and all thoughts that drag me back to the darkness of my past. I know that I'm not hiding myself anymore. Hiding led me to an almost-attempted suicide. Besides, I don't have anything TO hide! I know that I've finally reached the point where I look at things and say, "Toni, this is not good enough for you, and you deserve so much better." I know that now when I turn men down, it's not because I'm hiding. It's because I know what I want and need now. Or even because I see potential, and I don't want to mess things up by rushing. It's a conscious decision made with my eyes wide open. There's nothing like running into a man from long ago to remind you of your real worth. That's another blog! I know that God didn't make me so that I can sit on the sidelines of my own life.

If you are unhappy with your weight, have you ever asked yourself why you're fat? I challenge you to do that. You may be surprised at the reasons. When you ask the question, be prepared. What you learn may hurt. It probably will hurt. But if you decided to deal with that pain, the steps you take forward will lead to a healing of your body, mind, and spirit. I'm not just talking. Asking myself that question was part of my journey to my healing.

So now what? I'm this new woman trying to walk this walk I've never walked before. I will get my footing just as sure as I'm talking to you right now. I now see myself as this imperfect, yet somehow perfect blooming rose. I still have my insecurities - especially when it comes to men. Again, that's another blog!

While I was writing this, I wondered why am I so willing to share this? It's because I know that there are so many other people battling their weight, and the reasons behind that weight. Maybe something I say will resonate, and they (or you) will ask themselves the tough questions that will start their new walk.

The road from pain to blooming rose has not been easy. Don't get it twisted. It's been HARD, but it's the road I CHOSE to take because I am so worth it! And so are you. I'm out!

Copyright, Antoinette Davis, November 16, 2013
 
 
 
 
 
 

August 19, 2013

Silent Prayer

Dear Lord....you know the rest. Amen.

August 7, 2013

What is YOUR dream?


I have always wanted to make a dream/vision board, and today I finally relented and made one. I guess I had to get to a point where I could really say I do have dreams again. I reached that point a couple of years ago, actually.

There is something a little inspirational about seeing the words vs. just thinking/dreaming out loud about who you are, and what you really want. This dream/vision board is pretty simple in nature, but I hope that it inspires you to take a minute to really meditate on some things that you truly want for yourself. Meditate, dream, and do it. Until next time....I'm out! ♥

http://www.oprah.com/dreamboard/index.html?boardId=2

July 15, 2013

An open letter to the mother of Trayvon Martin - from Jen Hatmaker

 


With the OUTRAGEOUS not guilty verdict that was just passed down on Trayvon Martin murder, the air is so thick with a lot of hatred. I, myself, came this { } close to it myself, but I flat-out refuse to let anything make me into something that I am not. YES, I'm pissed off, disappointed, and hurt. Why wouldn't I be??!! But in spite of all of that, I'm looking for the good in the Trayvon Martin murder - if there is a such thing.

I was on Facebook today, and I came across this open letter to the mother of Trayvon Martin. Jen Hatmaker is a White woman who enjoyed all of the unspoken privileges of being a White woman in this country. She was oblivious to racism in this country, and thought all was well - until she adopted a Black son. This open letter is amazingly honest, very heart-felt, and sincere. Please take a few minutes to read this letter, and please pass it on.
 
While I generally feel that a lot of White people in this country have no idea of things afforded to them simply by 'virtue' of the color of their skin, Ms. Hatmaker has her eyes wide open. I feel that is something very rare in our country, and I applaud her honesty, and her bravery to tell her own truth. I know she' receiving a lot of backlash because of her coming forward. ONE LOVE ♥


http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2012/03/26/dear-trayvons-mom#.UeMD3KU_jXd.twitter


June 27, 2013

The Wrongest Right


Here u are
b4 my eyes
and back in my heart
my dream with no chance to breathe
my past with no future
time has gone by
but I can still see the beautiful young man
who captured my heart
smiles come as easily
words flow as sweet
and eyes still sparkle in the dark
unsure of your feelings
I tiptoe around the perimeters of my attraction
your arms welcome me
it's where I've always wanted 2 b
but I already know
the touch is right
but from the wrong man
your touch is the wrongest right thing I know
and your kiss is the rightest wrong
I know what I have to do
but I'm stuck in your gaze
I want to run away
but my feet are planted
in the undying hope of a requited love
I'm back to my senses
and heading for the first door I see
as I leave your side once again
memories flash
regret and revelations from yet another missed opportunity
quietly walk behind me
Mr. Right
Mr. Wrong
you are that and more 2 me
I'll let you go
but I know you are never that far away...

© Antoinette Davis
6.27.13






June 12, 2013

Before and After in the Making

There are words and a story that go with this pic. I have no time to write them right now, but a picture is worth at least a thousand words! The b4 pic was taken in Dec. of 2010. The after pic was taken in Feb. 2013.
 
Look at this picture and let your mind go to those things that you have thought were impossible. THERE IS NO SUCH THING!!!! Words to follow soon. Be blessed, and don't hold yourself back ♥♥♥