January 7, 2010

“In My Quiet Moments”

Lies give way to truth
hiding is not allowed
nor possible
thoughts of lost love
are just beneath the surface
memories are vivid
in my face
in my heart
and sometimes in my way
there is no forgetting or denial
love comes alive
and is somehow a little brighter
but still just out of my reach
although not for long
I speak “the one” into existence
I await his arrival
like a child awaits the ice cream man
my vision clouds with hope
and ever-present demons
they wage daily war
and I’m never sure of the true victor
love
hate
regret
anger
each hold their place
and their own piece of me
in my quiet moments
before my God
my flaws are confessed
forgiven
but never too far from my mind
or forgotten
in my quiet moments
I recognize my own beauty
but wonder if it’s my own illusion
unseen by all
in my quiet moments
reflections of mortality trouble my heart
heaven is my destination
but costs more
than I may be capable of giving
in my quiet moments
I walk in my blessings
with grace and gratitude
secret promises are made
and dreams live to see another day
quiet moments bring clarity
reveal true thoughts
feelings
short comings
and dreams
in my mind
I’m revealed anew with each quiet moment
I see a work in progress
and it’s ok to just be me
no matter what that may be

© Antoinette Davis
    July 8, 2008

"Will You Remember My Love"

will your dreams be sweetly haunted by my memory
when you close your eyes seeking a moment of peace
will it be my words that still calm your soul
when you look into your childrens eyes
will you acknowledge the absense of my reflection
when you say "I do"
will your heart hold tears or smiles
will you hear my voice
in the gentle breezes that quietly envelop you
will the warm sun bring melancholy
or silent regret
will you remember smiles and secrets openly shared
will you sigh at the thought of a love unfulfilled
when you say "thank you God"
will it be my name that caresses your lips
when nobody else seems to understand
will your heart seek the one who once quieted your tears
if you could only choose life or love
would you recognize one without the other is nothing
will my name still fill your heart with dreams of love
when you lie in bed at night
do you swear my silhouette lingers in your presence
will you forget skipped heartbeats at the thought of my touch
will you settle for being content
when unconditional love was at your feet
if asked how many times love has crossed your path
will you forget the ONE woman unafraid to stand by your side
I gladly and selfishly take my place on your pedestal
I am the woman you say taught you to love
will you now save your "I love yous"
for another who has not proven her worth
as your life begins to wind down
will you feel my love in the echoes of your heartbeats
what will go through your mind when you love again
what will you say to yourself
what will you find
discarded memories
or a cherished moment in time
will you remember my love

Antoinette Davis
©May 14, 2004

“Stranger in my Footsteps”

He knows everything about me
though I cannot say the same about him
the change of my mood
hair
or furrow of my brow
never escapes his attention
photos of me
he has ‘em
names of others who love me
got ‘em
visitors to my house don’t go unnoticed
my attention
he possesses as well
though our lips will never meet
the taste of my name fuels his desire
his love for me
a reality in his world alone
he notices the man who holds my hand
secretly sizing up his imaginary competition
the love he holds for me
is the reason for my sleepless nights
whether I want to be or not
I am his
part of his world
his life
and his dreams
my rejection of him welcomes curious glances
but no recognition that he is unwelcome
one step outside his boundaries
alters my identity
no longer the woman he loves
I’m now the bitch
the whore
the slut who must die
his words
no longer harmless
promised brutality becomes his only choice
I am the one who angers him
in the name of love
to have
hold
covet
conquer and destroy
all are his missions
his delusions and my reality
a collision in the making
but who knows when
there are no rules
and this is not my game
the stranger walking in my footsteps
has the power
in his mind he has won
I’m running scared
and directly into his path
or am I…

© Antoinette Davis
   January 29, 2009

January 6, 2010

“2009 – Adios, and Kick Rocks!!”


Whew Lawd thank ya, Jesus!! 2009 is gone! If I wasn’t so scared to hurt these crickety crackety bones, I’d do a little break dancin’ up in here! Ha glowree! Woo woo!

I’m celebrating the end of the year, but all of 2009 wasn’t bad. I made it back to Vegas, and won about $400. For the first time since I lost my mom, I got my Christmas spirit back. I even managed to spread that joy to others. I got out and did some things I never would’ve thought about doing. I made a few new friends, and I even managed to silence some old hurts.

Before I break into my James Brown slide across the floor, there was another side to 2009. The majority of 2009. I lost two important people in my life. I was plagued by a hoard of scary, grief-filled dreams. Although I made monumental baby steps in the right direction, I had the most horrifying feeling of doom. I was certain that the little bit of ground I’d made would crumble beneath my feet. There were battles of faith and beliefs. Nights of my asking God what exactly was it He was doing to me. More spiritual battles robbed me of the little peace of mind I thought I had. I hadn’t given up by any means. I just prayed that after walking through the dark, it would be worth it, and light would be waiting for me at the end of this tunnel. I came face-to-face with some hard truths in 2009. It seemed like everything I’d run from in the past was in my face in one way or another. 2009. What a #$&*@ year!

So here we are. It’s 2010. This is the year I’ll be closer to 50 than to 40. That doesn’t look right on paper, and sounds even more wrong coming out of my mouth! What happened to all those things I swore I’d do with my life? I’m not sure. Somewhere along the way, I guess those things took a back seat to life. Such is life, right?

The tradition of the new year is to make resolutions. Anybody still make those things? Better question: anybody making and keeping them? Not I! I don’t think I’ve ever made a resolution that I’ve kept, so that’s why this year, I’m doing something slightly different. In 2010, when I do something good, experience something nice (or dare I say, amazing?), or accomplish something that makes me proud – I’m writing it all down. No more saying I’m going to lose 60 lbs this year. No more swearing to eat all my veggies at every meal. NO kumbya I’m gonna be the gosh darndest nicest person you ever met, or my name isn’t…BLECH!!!! That’s just not me, and it ain’t ever gonna be, so hmph! That whole Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm thing always makes me vomit in my mouth! Am I the only one?

I’ve taken a good look at life. I know there are so many things I can do, and many things I can have. It’s up to me to do them, and get them. I flat-out refuse to leave this life without a piece of happiness for myself. It may take a fierce battle to achieve this happiness, but in the end, what else is there? I wanna be old and look back at my life to see that I didn’t give all of my good to everyone but me. I want to lavish some of it on myself. I guess I’m getting a little selfish in my old(er) age. If I can be good to other people, then why haven’t I been good to myself? I’ve been on this happiness journey for awhile now, and I’m not about to stop truckin’ now.

So I’ve started my 2010 list. So far, I can say that I’m dedicating myself to my own happiness. I’m starting to take care of me, and it shows. I’ve picked up my pen again, and Lord willing, I will only put it down for short periods of time. I figure if I keep this log of all the good things and feelings about my life, by the end of this year, the good will absolutely outweigh the bad. It’s gonna feel good to look back and say 2010 was quite possibly the best year of my life (thus far). Instead of a kick rocks kind of year, I’m claiming a kick azz year! I’m out!

© Antoinette Davis
   January 5, 2010