Now that I have your attention, know that this is not a suicide note, nor a cry for help. It is, instead, a peek into my spiritual journey, and the power of God. Walk with me for a while.
Anybody who knows me, or reads my blog, knows that my mom passed away 4 years ago. She died in the 12th month, on the 12th day, in the 12th hour in December of 2006. When I lost her, I lost a piece of my heart, and a good chunk of my faith. Everything I believed in was put to the test, and I assure you that I failed some of those tests.
I understand that my mom couldn’t stay here and have any quality of life, so I was ready to let her go. Multiple surgeries, illness, and living on machines is something she told us she never wanted. I was ok with that, but one of the things that ate at me was not knowing if she left this earth in peace. People always say that when this life is over, you are at peace, and walking the paved streets of gold.
I didn’t know if I believed that anymore. I wasn’t even sure that I believed in God or His mercy anymore. About 3 years after her death, I started praying that God would let me die for a minute. Just 1 minute of heaven is all I wanted. I prayed to feel and experience the peace that I have always heard about. I needed to feel what she felt when she left us. Even if it was bad, I needed to know. I prayed that it was good, but I had resigned myself to the possibility that I may not get the result that I wanted.
For about a year I prayed this prayer. To pray for death should give you an idea of how badly I needed my answer. It sounds so crazy to ask God to let you die, right? I thought that I had peace about her death, but in reality, I did not. After praying for a year, I was pretty certain that God was not going to answer this prayer. It hurt my heart to think that God would watch me suffer and not step in to ease my pain. Fast forward to December 12, 2010 – the 4th anniversary of her death. I had a dream. I’m going to call it a dream, but honestly, I’m not sure that I was dreaming.
I was out in the middle of this abandoned field. It was nighttime, so it was pitch black except for the moon. There was this bridge in the background on the left, but it was unfinished. The bridge was the only tangible thing there. There were no people, or anything other than the bridge. There was also no sound, and it felt very desolate and lonely. I decided to lay down for some reason, and found a spot on the ground. I was looking up at the sky, and the clouds kind of parted. These little white birds showed up from nowhere. They appeared to be small doves. I saw them and just kind of marveled at them. They flew off to the left, and then this big black bird appeared. I saw it, and immediately knew it was the angel of death. At least, that was the feeling I had. This bird stopped to look at me, and I was scared. Then the bird started quickly swooping down towards me. But as it got close to me, it morphed into this big, huge, beautiful dove. I mean it was huge! It just grew and grew until it almost eclipsed the moon. I remember seeing the silhouette of the dove against the moon. All I could see was the dove and white light everywhere. I took it that this giant dove was God. Then the bird looked down at me, and I knew it was time to go. I hesitated a few seconds, then I said ok, take me up God. I lifted my right hand up, and I could feel my spirit leaving my body. I felt total ease at letting God take my hand. I wasn't scared at all. I just remember feeling like I was part of something that was loving and peaceful, and easy. After a while of this love and peace, I told God that I was ready to go back to my body, but I didn't go back immediately. I didn't get scared until I thought I might not be allowed to come back. I don’t know how long this went on because it didn’t seem like it happened in a time I could pinpoint – like saying it was a minute, or a few seconds. I do wish I had stayed longer. For some reason, I feel like I missed something.
Ok, whew! Even thinking about it now brings all kinds of emotions to the surface. I’m trying to reign in my feelings now so I don’t come across as a rambling mental patient! Silence, peanut gallery! This experience/dream was one of the most profound and real things to happen in my life. This was as real as love, hate, and any other intangible emotion you can think of. I was allowed to feel something I find hard to put into words. To say that I felt peace, love, and contentment does no justice to the love that filled my spirit. There are no words powerful enough to convey the way I felt. Lots of things God does are hard to put into words. I want people to understand how I felt, but all of these words seem so cheap. How do I describe something I’ve never felt before? How do I tell you how I felt when I know in my heart that the love I experienced is not of this world? There’s our definition of love, and there’s Gods love. Two totally different entities.
After I woke up, or was sent back to my body, a scripture fell so hard on my heart – to be absent from your body is to be present with The Lord. These words hit my spirit, and I’m telling you the tears fell, and fell, and fell. Truth, beauty, and revelations to my spirit brings tears of joy for me. After I was able to speak, about 30 minutes later, I called my sister from another mother. The second she heard my voice she asked if I was ok. Through my tears, I told her what happened. She didn’t think I was crazy (thanks sis!), and neither do I.
I learned that God listens to me, and even answers my prayers when HE gets ready to. Even though I had been asking for resolution for a year, He waited until the time was right. Could there have been a better time than on the anniversary of my moms’ death? I now know that life is hard, and death is so easy. When God took my hand, I took no troubles from this place with me. Fear was a thing of the past, and in an instant, this world no longer existed for me. It was me, God, and peace. Nothing else.
To this day, I don’t know if this experience was a dream, or if I left here for a while. At this point, it doesn’t matter to me. It was an answer to my prayer, and it served its purpose. I know how my mom left this earth, and that’s enough for me. I will miss her always, and there will still be the occasional tears. But I know that I will never grieve her death in the same way ever again. How can I be broken when I know that her beautiful spirit walks in indescribable peace? How can I want her here when there’s nothing here that compares to the love that she has now?
The only other thing in that dream/experience was the unfinished bridge. I can only imagine that the bridge represents something that still needs to be done here. I’m guessing that I have things to do here. God knows that I’m nowhere near ready to leave this earth. But I know that when I do, I’ll be holding Gods hand, and I’ll leave any and all worries behind me.
So it came to be that on the anniversary of my moms’ death, I received the blessing of a lifetime, and I was set free. My prayer was answered, and I have the peace that surpasses all understanding. Isn’t God awesome? I’m out.
© Antoinette Davis, January 29, 2011
Anybody who knows me, or reads my blog, knows that my mom passed away 4 years ago. She died in the 12th month, on the 12th day, in the 12th hour in December of 2006. When I lost her, I lost a piece of my heart, and a good chunk of my faith. Everything I believed in was put to the test, and I assure you that I failed some of those tests.
I understand that my mom couldn’t stay here and have any quality of life, so I was ready to let her go. Multiple surgeries, illness, and living on machines is something she told us she never wanted. I was ok with that, but one of the things that ate at me was not knowing if she left this earth in peace. People always say that when this life is over, you are at peace, and walking the paved streets of gold.
I didn’t know if I believed that anymore. I wasn’t even sure that I believed in God or His mercy anymore. About 3 years after her death, I started praying that God would let me die for a minute. Just 1 minute of heaven is all I wanted. I prayed to feel and experience the peace that I have always heard about. I needed to feel what she felt when she left us. Even if it was bad, I needed to know. I prayed that it was good, but I had resigned myself to the possibility that I may not get the result that I wanted.
For about a year I prayed this prayer. To pray for death should give you an idea of how badly I needed my answer. It sounds so crazy to ask God to let you die, right? I thought that I had peace about her death, but in reality, I did not. After praying for a year, I was pretty certain that God was not going to answer this prayer. It hurt my heart to think that God would watch me suffer and not step in to ease my pain. Fast forward to December 12, 2010 – the 4th anniversary of her death. I had a dream. I’m going to call it a dream, but honestly, I’m not sure that I was dreaming.
I was out in the middle of this abandoned field. It was nighttime, so it was pitch black except for the moon. There was this bridge in the background on the left, but it was unfinished. The bridge was the only tangible thing there. There were no people, or anything other than the bridge. There was also no sound, and it felt very desolate and lonely. I decided to lay down for some reason, and found a spot on the ground. I was looking up at the sky, and the clouds kind of parted. These little white birds showed up from nowhere. They appeared to be small doves. I saw them and just kind of marveled at them. They flew off to the left, and then this big black bird appeared. I saw it, and immediately knew it was the angel of death. At least, that was the feeling I had. This bird stopped to look at me, and I was scared. Then the bird started quickly swooping down towards me. But as it got close to me, it morphed into this big, huge, beautiful dove. I mean it was huge! It just grew and grew until it almost eclipsed the moon. I remember seeing the silhouette of the dove against the moon. All I could see was the dove and white light everywhere. I took it that this giant dove was God. Then the bird looked down at me, and I knew it was time to go. I hesitated a few seconds, then I said ok, take me up God. I lifted my right hand up, and I could feel my spirit leaving my body. I felt total ease at letting God take my hand. I wasn't scared at all. I just remember feeling like I was part of something that was loving and peaceful, and easy. After a while of this love and peace, I told God that I was ready to go back to my body, but I didn't go back immediately. I didn't get scared until I thought I might not be allowed to come back. I don’t know how long this went on because it didn’t seem like it happened in a time I could pinpoint – like saying it was a minute, or a few seconds. I do wish I had stayed longer. For some reason, I feel like I missed something.
Ok, whew! Even thinking about it now brings all kinds of emotions to the surface. I’m trying to reign in my feelings now so I don’t come across as a rambling mental patient! Silence, peanut gallery! This experience/dream was one of the most profound and real things to happen in my life. This was as real as love, hate, and any other intangible emotion you can think of. I was allowed to feel something I find hard to put into words. To say that I felt peace, love, and contentment does no justice to the love that filled my spirit. There are no words powerful enough to convey the way I felt. Lots of things God does are hard to put into words. I want people to understand how I felt, but all of these words seem so cheap. How do I describe something I’ve never felt before? How do I tell you how I felt when I know in my heart that the love I experienced is not of this world? There’s our definition of love, and there’s Gods love. Two totally different entities.
After I woke up, or was sent back to my body, a scripture fell so hard on my heart – to be absent from your body is to be present with The Lord. These words hit my spirit, and I’m telling you the tears fell, and fell, and fell. Truth, beauty, and revelations to my spirit brings tears of joy for me. After I was able to speak, about 30 minutes later, I called my sister from another mother. The second she heard my voice she asked if I was ok. Through my tears, I told her what happened. She didn’t think I was crazy (thanks sis!), and neither do I.
I learned that God listens to me, and even answers my prayers when HE gets ready to. Even though I had been asking for resolution for a year, He waited until the time was right. Could there have been a better time than on the anniversary of my moms’ death? I now know that life is hard, and death is so easy. When God took my hand, I took no troubles from this place with me. Fear was a thing of the past, and in an instant, this world no longer existed for me. It was me, God, and peace. Nothing else.
To this day, I don’t know if this experience was a dream, or if I left here for a while. At this point, it doesn’t matter to me. It was an answer to my prayer, and it served its purpose. I know how my mom left this earth, and that’s enough for me. I will miss her always, and there will still be the occasional tears. But I know that I will never grieve her death in the same way ever again. How can I be broken when I know that her beautiful spirit walks in indescribable peace? How can I want her here when there’s nothing here that compares to the love that she has now?
The only other thing in that dream/experience was the unfinished bridge. I can only imagine that the bridge represents something that still needs to be done here. I’m guessing that I have things to do here. God knows that I’m nowhere near ready to leave this earth. But I know that when I do, I’ll be holding Gods hand, and I’ll leave any and all worries behind me.
So it came to be that on the anniversary of my moms’ death, I received the blessing of a lifetime, and I was set free. My prayer was answered, and I have the peace that surpasses all understanding. Isn’t God awesome? I’m out.
© Antoinette Davis, January 29, 2011
