February 28, 2011

"I Am"

This one was kind of hard to write, but sometimes, you just have to say the words. It's been brewing for a long time now. The older I get, the more I have this need to really, truly understand who and what I am. For a long time, I didn't have a clue who I was, or why I felt the things I felt. I know now. It's not all pretty, but it's not without hope. I refuse to live a life withouth hope :-)



"I Am"

The question of who I am
is what keeps me awake
I’m a woman on a journey
but I walk with a limp
one foot firmly planted on a new path
the other wanders through my past
I’m no longer who I used to be
nor am I who I am to be
I am alive
but not in the truest sense of the word
through silent tears
I have survived my childhood horrors
I did not know losing my dreams
would be the price of surviving my childhood
I am angry
I am a wife with no husband
I am a mother with no child
I am a lover with no one to love
I am fierce and fearful
I am strong and subdued
tenacious yet timid
and cautiously confident
I am a giver who won’t receive
I have a vision
but I’m never sure of what I’m seeing
I am a dreamer surrounded by empty vessels
a writer who stifles her words
a romantic with no romance
I am loyal
generous and giving
I am talented
humble and proud
I am God-fearing
yet sometimes without faith
I am witty
and dare I say a bit charming
I believe in love and hope
even when they are nowhere to be seen
I am pure gold
even when voices from my past say otherwise
what I have settled for is now evident
and not even close to being enough
I am beautiful
if only in my eyes alone
I am a jumble of emotions
I say I am faithless
but how can that be true
a dream does not survive without faith
one day when I’ve walked through this fire
I will graciously accept beauty for my ashes
like you
I am a lot of things
a complex wonder of walking contradictions
I am a mess
and a masterpiece
a child of God
on a path with steps unseen
I am a butterfly
changing colors right before your eyes
the moment you turn your gaze
I will fly
and my beauty will be seen by all

© Antoinette Davis
   February 28, 2011