“2 Steps Forward and 1 Step Back is Still 1 Step Forward”
On the way to work today, I wondered what I would write about. My mind kinda wandered a minute, and I felt this warm wave of gratefulness. The feeling just took over me, and I started thinking over my life. I thought about my mother and the things she would say to me. She’d say that I had “sticktoitness”. If there was something I was trying to figure out or accomplish, I wouldn’t stop until I was satisfied.
Then I started wondering where does this fighting spirit/sticktoitness come from. I know without a doubt that it’s been one of the greatest gifts from God that I’ve ever received. Next to being born to Valetta Davis, it’s been the blessing of my life. God must’ve known I would need this kind of spirit, and He was right. This diligent, dig my heels in, stubborn fight to the end thing (gift) is what allows me to walk the walk, and keep it moving. Like a lot of people, I have survived some harsh events in my life. That’s another blog. Believe me when I tell you there’ve been days that brought me to the brink of ending it all. But I didn’t. I couldn’t because I knew that no matter how bad I felt, and whatever was going on, one day I would look back at the pain and laugh in its face. I didn’t hope for it. I knew it.
What I didn’t know is that all of the bad things that happened to me would only make me stronger, and stronger, and stronger still. I’ve taken so many baby steps in the right direction. There are still days when I take a step back, and start thinking like ‘the old me’. I’ll start thinking crazy ish like it doesn’t matter what I do cuz God is gonna strike me down and take everything away from me anyway. Or I’ll start thinking once I get my life together, God would personally send a city bus to run me over. Where do thought like that come from? In spite of my sometimes-delusional thoughts, what I have learned is that I’ve been a master at making excuses for me not to move forward. Let’s face it. It’s soooo much easier to stay where you are. I’d never have to grow or change, or explore any possibilities that could separate me from my comfortable mess. Isn’t fear a crafty emotion?
So today, and with Gods’ help, every day – I’m going to remind myself of a few things. First on the list: life is such a gift. It’s meant to be lived! Gotta start doing that more for sure. Next, I will be grateful for all of my gifts, great and small. When I look back over my past, I’ll only visit long enough to revel in the fact that I’m no longer who or what I used to be. I’ve only scratched the surface of the real me – of who and what I will become. “2 steps forward and 1 step back is still 1 step forward” is not just a statement. It is a state of mind, and my new motto. I may stumble and fall here and there. I know that when I do, God will be there to pick me up, and/or kick me in the butt. Yes, He does that! Or, He will send me one of His many angels to gently move me forward. I like this option much better!
I guess since God’s not gonna run me over with the bus (thank you!), I have to keep it moving. I don’t know what my purpose is for being here, but one day The Big Guy will let me in on his plan. Until then, you can look for me here. I have more things to say than I thought I did!
No matter how many steps we take back, I know it’s never too late to start walking forward. I’m 45 years old (yikes!), and I’m doing it. I’ll continue to do it. Eventually, I’ll get to where I’m going. Today, a friend of mine told me that I’m like the Phoenix rising from the ashes. That, I am. I’m out!
© Antoinette Davis
August 27, 2009
On the way to work today, I wondered what I would write about. My mind kinda wandered a minute, and I felt this warm wave of gratefulness. The feeling just took over me, and I started thinking over my life. I thought about my mother and the things she would say to me. She’d say that I had “sticktoitness”. If there was something I was trying to figure out or accomplish, I wouldn’t stop until I was satisfied.
Then I started wondering where does this fighting spirit/sticktoitness come from. I know without a doubt that it’s been one of the greatest gifts from God that I’ve ever received. Next to being born to Valetta Davis, it’s been the blessing of my life. God must’ve known I would need this kind of spirit, and He was right. This diligent, dig my heels in, stubborn fight to the end thing (gift) is what allows me to walk the walk, and keep it moving. Like a lot of people, I have survived some harsh events in my life. That’s another blog. Believe me when I tell you there’ve been days that brought me to the brink of ending it all. But I didn’t. I couldn’t because I knew that no matter how bad I felt, and whatever was going on, one day I would look back at the pain and laugh in its face. I didn’t hope for it. I knew it.
What I didn’t know is that all of the bad things that happened to me would only make me stronger, and stronger, and stronger still. I’ve taken so many baby steps in the right direction. There are still days when I take a step back, and start thinking like ‘the old me’. I’ll start thinking crazy ish like it doesn’t matter what I do cuz God is gonna strike me down and take everything away from me anyway. Or I’ll start thinking once I get my life together, God would personally send a city bus to run me over. Where do thought like that come from? In spite of my sometimes-delusional thoughts, what I have learned is that I’ve been a master at making excuses for me not to move forward. Let’s face it. It’s soooo much easier to stay where you are. I’d never have to grow or change, or explore any possibilities that could separate me from my comfortable mess. Isn’t fear a crafty emotion?
So today, and with Gods’ help, every day – I’m going to remind myself of a few things. First on the list: life is such a gift. It’s meant to be lived! Gotta start doing that more for sure. Next, I will be grateful for all of my gifts, great and small. When I look back over my past, I’ll only visit long enough to revel in the fact that I’m no longer who or what I used to be. I’ve only scratched the surface of the real me – of who and what I will become. “2 steps forward and 1 step back is still 1 step forward” is not just a statement. It is a state of mind, and my new motto. I may stumble and fall here and there. I know that when I do, God will be there to pick me up, and/or kick me in the butt. Yes, He does that! Or, He will send me one of His many angels to gently move me forward. I like this option much better!
I guess since God’s not gonna run me over with the bus (thank you!), I have to keep it moving. I don’t know what my purpose is for being here, but one day The Big Guy will let me in on his plan. Until then, you can look for me here. I have more things to say than I thought I did!
No matter how many steps we take back, I know it’s never too late to start walking forward. I’m 45 years old (yikes!), and I’m doing it. I’ll continue to do it. Eventually, I’ll get to where I’m going. Today, a friend of mine told me that I’m like the Phoenix rising from the ashes. That, I am. I’m out!
© Antoinette Davis
August 27, 2009
Toni, You're an amazing writer! And who-you-are, complete with that evil sense of humor, comes through. I feel like you and your mom are sitting in the room with me. I cannot let your remarks stand without referring you back to The Alien Song (it's on youtube, but this darned thing won't allow me to paste in the link) -- with the disclaimer that I only mean to say that it's an accurate reflection of the human struggle :)
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