Quite a prayer, right? For us women over the age of 40, I’m betting that my prayer sounds perfectly normal – whatever that is!
Ladies (and gentlemen), let’s attend a class I like to call Perimenopause Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell (echo) – 101. Have a seat. But not next to that bloated, sweaty, itchy, grouchy lady. Oh, wait. That’s me!!! What exactly is Perimenopause? (PM for the purpose of this blog). The medical definition is, and I quote: PM marks the interval in which your body begins its transition into menopause. It encompasses the years leading up to menopause – from 2 to 8 years – PLUS the 1st year after your final period. Wait, there’s more! As you go through the menopausal transition, your body’s production of estrogen and progesterone fluctuates. These hormonal fluctuations are at the root of the changes your body goes through during PM. I’ve come to refer to PM as my “back up off me bitch, I got a shank and will not hesitate to cut your ass” period in my life. Oy vey. This could get ugly.
I wish someone had told me that I would slowly morph into a potential murder suspect – with a mustache!! :-( WTF?! I got hair growing where no hair should EVER be growing! Everything gets on my nerves. Things slip my mind at an alarming rate. Apparently, my brain cells are dying by the freakin’ minute! Restful sleep – yeah, right! My patience level is probably as low as my estrogen level. I’m laughing one minute, and crying the next. No wonder people are giving me the sideways glances! There are, of course, a few other symptoms. But we’re not close enough for me to divulge any further information. I don’t know you like that! But there are…"nether region" things going on, too. Isn’t this fun? **sigh** Sarcasm. Next to chocolate, it’s become my very best friend. I can only guess that the collective PM community is nodding its head in agreement with me right now.
Before you load that gun and climb the tower, remember that this time in your life is only temporary – if you consider 2-8 years temporary. And if you’re lucky, your doctor may offer you some relief. When you go to that doctor, tell them everything. Since you’ll probably forget half of the list before you get there, write it all down. Or better yet, turn on some of those dramatic, Hollywood throw yourself on the bed tears. Stretch out on the floor if you have to! Nothing moves a doctor quicker than a hysterical patient with questionable sanity (I hope). I plan to use that whole crying, throwing myself on the floor thing at my next visit. I’m gonna leave that office with a basket full of make-me-happy meds, a fresh outlook on life, and probably a referral to the first head-shrinker who will see me. But that’s ok! For years, the medical community told women we’re crazy, right? Let’s say I’m a little crazy right now. Sooooo what! You got me. Now what? You gonna M-E-D-I-C-A-T-E me? Lord willing and the creek don’t rise, yes! Please!
Just a thought here…since our schools are busy teaching our girls to keep their legs closed, while showing boys how to use a condom – let’s teach our girls that one day their bodies will begin the fun-filled process of PM, and that it’s all perfectly normal. Don’t let them wake up half-cocked one day and wonder what’s wrong with them – the way that I did. I’m not (too) crazy. I’m a middle-aged woman (EW I hate how that sounds!) whose body is doing its own middle-aged thing – without my permission, I might add!
I’m perimenopausal, and I’m cracking jokes about it. I guess you caught me on a good day. PM has not been a barrel of laughs, but neither is it the end of the world. Generations of women have survived it. Most of them without a trip to jail or anything! I will survive it, too. I’m actually singing the old disco anthem in my head. I will survive :-)
A sidebar with the company that makes the Always brand of feminine hygiene pads - Who in the HELL came up with the saying, “have a happy period, always!” Huh? Whose happy ass is responsible for this saying? What the f**k kind of Peter Pan Alice in Wonderland flower-tossing tiptoe through the tulips BS fantasy are you trying to shove down our throats?!?! I’d LOVEEEEE to work for your company and make realistic commercials about a woman’s period!! Who’s with me? We can do this, y’all! Anybody? Woooooo…ok. Deep breaths….woo woo woo…. bringing it down….ok! I can hardly wait for my estrogen levels to drop again. I’m out!
© Antoinette Davis
August 26, 2009
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