I Had an Angel

"I Had an Angel"

For some time, I’ve been searching my mind about what to say next. I tried over and over to steer my mind left, but it kept going right. I don’t wanna write about her, but I have to. I can’t write another thing until I get this off my chest.

“Her/she” is my mom. October 28th would have been her 64th birthday, and I can’t think of anything else but her, and her love. How do I put into words what she’s meant to me? I’m going over the words in my mind, and it all sounds so cheesy and cliché’. How can I express the goodness of her soul, or the depth of my pain of having to let her go? How do I anticipate new love when I know the greatest love I’ll ever know has already come and gone? For me, love is life itself, but it all just feels second best. How do I say good-bye to my angel?

Saying those words drags up an ugly image I’m not compelled to embrace. I know I’m not going to feel this way forever, but right now I feel all alone. Just plain alone. When nobody else was there, she was there. When I didn’t understand my own feelings, she did. When I didn’t believe my life would amount to anything, it was her cheering from the sidelines that picked me up. I have friends and cheerleaders (thank you, God!), but it doesn’t come close to a mothers’ love.

I look back over her life, and I don’t know how she became the woman she was. She survived hardships that would have taken the fight out of most, and broken the spirit of a warrior. She was afraid most of her life, yet she trudged on in spite of it all. Her body was broken and weary, but she went back to college in her 50s and earned her BSA in Social Work. I’m not sure what drove her, but I gotta tip my hat to her for doin’ tha damn thang. She did it! And she did it with gratitude to her God, and a smile on her face.

I knew of her many heartbreaks. Her nights of praying to God for a better life. I watched her live and love, fight and scrimp. I watched her give everyone everything she had – even if that meant she did without. She lived her life with grace and passion. She was strong, humble, and a woman with peace on her mind. A more special or dignified woman I will never know. She loved hard, and was loved deeply by anyone lucky enough to be in the shadow of her love.

Her first act of love for me was refusing to have an abortion, even though she had pressure from all sides. I didn’t know it then, but I had an angel. If you have angels, appreciate them now. Don’t wake up after they’re gone and realize the blessing that they were to you. Angels walk this earth every day, and come in countless forms.

I would give anything to see my angel again. I don’t really get a chance to miss her cuz I know she still walks by my side. She still dries my tears, and talks to my heart. She loved me before she saw my face, and she'll love me long after my name ceases to have any earthly meaning. I thanked her for her love when she was here, and I thank her for it now. She was the blessing of my life, and not a day goes by that I don’t acknowledge that fact. I can’t let her hard work be in vain. I can only hope that I’m growing into someone that she is proud of.

So…happy birthday, Old Lady! You did good, Sweetie. I’m out.

© Antoinette Davis
   October 6, 2009