Whew Lawd thank ya, Jesus!! 2009 is gone! If I wasn’t so scared to hurt these crickety crackety bones, I’d do a little break dancin’ up in here! Ha glowree! Woo woo!
I’m celebrating the end of the year, but all of 2009 wasn’t bad. I made it back to Vegas, and won about $400. For the first time since I lost my mom, I got my Christmas spirit back. I even managed to spread that joy to others. I got out and did some things I never would’ve thought about doing. I made a few new friends, and I even managed to silence some old hurts.
Before I break into my James Brown slide across the floor, there was another side to 2009. The majority of 2009. I lost two important people in my life. I was plagued by a hoard of scary, grief-filled dreams. Although I made monumental baby steps in the right direction, I had the most horrifying feeling of doom. I was certain that the little bit of ground I’d made would crumble beneath my feet. There were battles of faith and beliefs. Nights of my asking God what exactly was it He was doing to me. More spiritual battles robbed me of the little peace of mind I thought I had. I hadn’t given up by any means. I just prayed that after walking through the dark, it would be worth it, and light would be waiting for me at the end of this tunnel. I came face-to-face with some hard truths in 2009. It seemed like everything I’d run from in the past was in my face in one way or another. 2009. What a #$&*@ year!
So here we are. It’s 2010. This is the year I’ll be closer to 50 than to 40. That doesn’t look right on paper, and sounds even more wrong coming out of my mouth! What happened to all those things I swore I’d do with my life? I’m not sure. Somewhere along the way, I guess those things took a back seat to life. Such is life, right?
The tradition of the new year is to make resolutions. Anybody still make those things? Better question: anybody making and keeping them? Not I! I don’t think I’ve ever made a resolution that I’ve kept, so that’s why this year, I’m doing something slightly different. In 2010, when I do something good, experience something nice (or dare I say, amazing?), or accomplish something that makes me proud – I’m writing it all down. No more saying I’m going to lose 60 lbs this year. No more swearing to eat all my veggies at every meal. NO kumbya I’m gonna be the gosh darndest nicest person you ever met, or my name isn’t…BLECH!!!! That’s just not me, and it ain’t ever gonna be, so hmph! That whole Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm thing always makes me vomit in my mouth! Am I the only one?
I’ve taken a good look at life. I know there are so many things I can do, and many things I can have. It’s up to me to do them, and get them. I flat-out refuse to leave this life without a piece of happiness for myself. It may take a fierce battle to achieve this happiness, but in the end, what else is there? I wanna be old and look back at my life to see that I didn’t give all of my good to everyone but me. I want to lavish some of it on myself. I guess I’m getting a little selfish in my old(er) age. If I can be good to other people, then why haven’t I been good to myself? I’ve been on this happiness journey for awhile now, and I’m not about to stop truckin’ now.
So I’ve started my 2010 list. So far, I can say that I’m dedicating myself to my own happiness. I’m starting to take care of me, and it shows. I’ve picked up my pen again, and Lord willing, I will only put it down for short periods of time. I figure if I keep this log of all the good things and feelings about my life, by the end of this year, the good will absolutely outweigh the bad. It’s gonna feel good to look back and say 2010 was quite possibly the best year of my life (thus far). Instead of a kick rocks kind of year, I’m claiming a kick azz year! I’m out!
January 5, 2010
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