I know that sounds a little weird, but follow me. I was on the way home today, and I thought about my cutting my hair again. Then I thought maybe I'd wait until after August so that it would still be long enough to pull back when I'm in Vegas. I thought I guess I can keep it longer until then. It doesn't look bad or anything, but it's really not the way that I like it. Deep, right? My hair! Big whoop.
As I was thinking about keeping my hair longer, something hit me. I thought to myself, why would I keep my hair longer when I really like it short? Why would it be ok for me to not look the way I wanna look for 3 whole months? Why would I be so willing to compromise on this issue? Especially since I've been really working on being totally what I wanna be.
Then I started thinking about how I look to myself. So superficial! I know! But follow me. Most of my life, I've been overweight. I've lost 25 pounds, but then I stopped working out. I told myself that I didn't have the motivation to continue. I've told myself that I'm just lazy. I've told myself that it doesn't matter, even though I knew it was a lie. Hit me today that it's none of those reasons. I've compromised again! I've accepted that it's ok for me to be overweight, even though I'm disgusted when I look in the mirror, and it's not how I feel on the inside. Hell I feel sexy on the inside! It's hard for me to reconcile my beautiful inside, when I hate how I look on the outside. My inside and outside don't match anymore, and by compromising, I am the one who's my own worst enemy. I'm not being hard on myself. I'm being honest with myself. There's a difference, I think.
How many times have we all compromised ourselves, and called it something else? I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. I'm can't afford this, so I'll just take that instead. That would look really pretty on me, but it's not what everybody else is wearing. This man likes me, but he wants to change everything about me so that he's happy. I was abused as a child, so I'm just gonna use that for my defense for as long as it works. This job pays my bills, but I'm wasting myself and my life if I stay. On and on and on. Y'all following me?
How many steps do you think there are between settling for whatever, and compromising the rest of your life away? I'm gonna say not as many as you might think. Once you start settling for small things, when the bigger things come your way, you're already in the habit, and it's nothing to turn a blind eye to something that could change your life. I'm talking from experience, so don't think I'm blowing sunshine up your butt when I say that.
I said all that to say this: One day you're compromising. The next day you're settling. The next day, you're being used for somebody else' purposes. The next day you're unhappy, and you don't know what happened to your life. The next day, you decide it's just easier if you stay the way you are. The next day you don't know how to live, and you have no dreams.
So tonight, I'm getting my big butt back on my Gazelle Glider, and I'm going back to the gym this week. Not just cuz I want the cute, sexy clothes (I do), but because I'm not compromising my health or my image of myself anymore. When you KNOW in your heart that you are worthy, compromising is something that dies. I'm in my 40s, and I just now know that I'm worthy. It's taken that long to shake off a lot of bad things. But I'm there now! Today, my hair taught me a couple of things.
1. Just the fact that I can be this honest with myself, I know that I've moved forward in so many ways.
2. I know that I'm worthy of my own image of me, and also of what I want for myself. The image and the wants are what I am, and what I want. Not what my family might think, etc. Did that make sense?
There's nothing wrong with compromise. But not if it's to the detriment of YOU, or YOUR well-being! Did y'all follow me? I'm out!
No comments:
Post a Comment