Me in 100 words

I got this challenge from a friend of mine (hi, Lois!). I was asked to describe myself in 100 words. It was kinda hard cuz I talk too much sometimes, and I had to change it many times. This was kinda cool though ;-)


I was born to a woman with no money, but a heart of pure gold. Strong, determined, funny, sassy, creative, inquisitive, complex, unbelievably vulnerable at times, sometimes bitchy, but always real. I can get under your skin, in your face, or in your heart. Depends on how you treat me. Mistakes in my past have made me smart, but not immune from the occasional heartbreak. If you get on my bad side, you may as well stay there. I'm a fierce protector of me and those I love. I'm hopeful, and always looking for light in a world of darkness.

"Secret Thoughts of U"

Self-explanatory. I'm just getting older!!! I ain't dead yet ;-o)




I wonder if you know
if you sense
do you feel my body throb
can you taste the heat
now in the air
every time you walk
a swagger that takes my breath
tall and thick
body
pure perfection
eyes open to each possibility
I'm sending your way
lips no doubt made for love
lips made to say
things I'm waiting to hear
my vision of our fire
is playing in my mind again
pride be damned
yours is what I wanna be
your woman
lover
derty girl awiting my spanking
a single night of you and me
can you get with that
can you rise 2 the occassion of us
my 'girl'
as hot and sweet as you
your touch
deliberately gentle
I dare you to cross my line
and step into my vision
of us
loving or f**kin'
at this point
does it really matter
at your feet
I anticipate your response
stroke me
taste me
kisses here
here
and don't forget there
too many ways to say
I want you
you inside of me
feels like that slice of heaven
I've heard so much about
that rumored bliss
is always my reality
but only in my mind
how many times will you pass my way
how many times
will I avert my gaze as you do
my book is open
just not ready to let you
flip the pages yet
thoughts of you
are my secret
for the moment...

© Antoinette Davis
   April 27, 2007

“It’s Ok”

This is a poem I wrote when I finally found a little bit of peace about my mothers' passing. It took me about 2 years to find that peace, so this piece was a long time in coming.

Unable to let go
to you
I have said 1,000 good-byes
I’ve wallowed in my pain
cursed the heavens
and asked why for the last time
hurt and anger subsides
and my heart gives way to a peace
unknown and unexpected
fears of this world melted away
the day He took your hand
out by the sun
your worries fade into sunrise
into glory
and a love secured
before your eyes ever saw the light of day
love and lessons taught live on
laughs and smiles shared shine brightly
guiding my steps towards my own destiny
you allowed me to dream
even though you knew not how
you allowed me to speak
even though you grew up
seen and not heard
to me everything was given
all the while
everything was gradually taken from your hands
when I remember you pains
ills and fears
I remind my heart
all that you survived
pales by comparison to your streets of gold
your promised mansion
and a soul no longer tortured
by a world that was never your own
so you see
it’s ok that you’re gone
memories of you brings smiles
laughs
and gratitude to The Almighty
He allowed me to live through you
and now allows you to live through me
God is good
although these words come with tears
they are temporary
for I will see you again
out by the sun
He will take my hand
and yours will be the first face I see
so you see
my beloved one
it’s ok…

© Antoinette Davis
    November 17, 2008

“In My Quiet Moments”

Lies give way to truth
hiding is not allowed
nor possible
thoughts of lost love
are just beneath the surface
memories are vivid
in my face
in my heart
and sometimes in my way
there is no forgetting or denial
love comes alive
and is somehow a little brighter
but still just out of my reach
although not for long
I speak “the one” into existence
I await his arrival
like a child awaits the ice cream man
my vision clouds with hope
and ever-present demons
they wage daily war
and I’m never sure of the true victor
love
hate
regret
anger
each hold their place
and their own piece of me
in my quiet moments
before my God
my flaws are confessed
forgiven
but never too far from my mind
or forgotten
in my quiet moments
I recognize my own beauty
but wonder if it’s my own illusion
unseen by all
in my quiet moments
reflections of mortality trouble my heart
heaven is my destination
but costs more
than I may be capable of giving
in my quiet moments
I walk in my blessings
with grace and gratitude
secret promises are made
and dreams live to see another day
quiet moments bring clarity
reveal true thoughts
feelings
short comings
and dreams
in my mind
I’m revealed anew with each quiet moment
I see a work in progress
and it’s ok to just be me
no matter what that may be

© Antoinette Davis
    July 8, 2008

"Will You Remember My Love"

will your dreams be sweetly haunted by my memory
when you close your eyes seeking a moment of peace
will it be my words that still calm your soul
when you look into your childrens eyes
will you acknowledge the absense of my reflection
when you say "I do"
will your heart hold tears or smiles
will you hear my voice
in the gentle breezes that quietly envelop you
will the warm sun bring melancholy
or silent regret
will you remember smiles and secrets openly shared
will you sigh at the thought of a love unfulfilled
when you say "thank you God"
will it be my name that caresses your lips
when nobody else seems to understand
will your heart seek the one who once quieted your tears
if you could only choose life or love
would you recognize one without the other is nothing
will my name still fill your heart with dreams of love
when you lie in bed at night
do you swear my silhouette lingers in your presence
will you forget skipped heartbeats at the thought of my touch
will you settle for being content
when unconditional love was at your feet
if asked how many times love has crossed your path
will you forget the ONE woman unafraid to stand by your side
I gladly and selfishly take my place on your pedestal
I am the woman you say taught you to love
will you now save your "I love yous"
for another who has not proven her worth
as your life begins to wind down
will you feel my love in the echoes of your heartbeats
what will go through your mind when you love again
what will you say to yourself
what will you find
discarded memories
or a cherished moment in time
will you remember my love

Antoinette Davis
©May 14, 2004

“Stranger in my Footsteps”

He knows everything about me
though I cannot say the same about him
the change of my mood
hair
or furrow of my brow
never escapes his attention
photos of me
he has ‘em
names of others who love me
got ‘em
visitors to my house don’t go unnoticed
my attention
he possesses as well
though our lips will never meet
the taste of my name fuels his desire
his love for me
a reality in his world alone
he notices the man who holds my hand
secretly sizing up his imaginary competition
the love he holds for me
is the reason for my sleepless nights
whether I want to be or not
I am his
part of his world
his life
and his dreams
my rejection of him welcomes curious glances
but no recognition that he is unwelcome
one step outside his boundaries
alters my identity
no longer the woman he loves
I’m now the bitch
the whore
the slut who must die
his words
no longer harmless
promised brutality becomes his only choice
I am the one who angers him
in the name of love
to have
hold
covet
conquer and destroy
all are his missions
his delusions and my reality
a collision in the making
but who knows when
there are no rules
and this is not my game
the stranger walking in my footsteps
has the power
in his mind he has won
I’m running scared
and directly into his path
or am I…

© Antoinette Davis
   January 29, 2009

“2009 – Adios, and Kick Rocks!!”

Whew Lawd thank ya, Jesus!! 2009 is gone! If I wasn’t so scared to hurt these crickety crackety bones, I’d do a little break dancin’ up in here! Ha glowree! Woo woo!

I’m celebrating the end of the year, but all of 2009 wasn’t bad. I made it back to Vegas, and won about $400. For the first time since I lost my mom, I got my Christmas spirit back. I even managed to spread that joy to others. I got out and did some things I never would’ve thought about doing. I made a few new friends, and I even managed to silence some old hurts.

Before I break into my James Brown slide across the floor, there was another side to 2009. The majority of 2009. I lost two important people in my life. I was plagued by a hoard of scary, grief-filled dreams. Although I made monumental baby steps in the right direction, I had the most horrifying feeling of doom. I was certain that the little bit of ground I’d made would crumble beneath my feet. There were battles of faith and beliefs. Nights of my asking God what exactly was it He was doing to me. More spiritual battles robbed me of the little peace of mind I thought I had. I hadn’t given up by any means. I just prayed that after walking through the dark, it would be worth it, and light would be waiting for me at the end of this tunnel. I came face-to-face with some hard truths in 2009. It seemed like everything I’d run from in the past was in my face in one way or another. 2009. What a #$&*@ year!

So here we are. It’s 2010. This is the year I’ll be closer to 50 than to 40. That doesn’t look right on paper, and sounds even more wrong coming out of my mouth! What happened to all those things I swore I’d do with my life? I’m not sure. Somewhere along the way, I guess those things took a back seat to life. Such is life, right?

The tradition of the new year is to make resolutions. Anybody still make those things? Better question: anybody making and keeping them? Not I! I don’t think I’ve ever made a resolution that I’ve kept, so that’s why this year, I’m doing something slightly different. In 2010, when I do something good, experience something nice (or dare I say, amazing?), or accomplish something that makes me proud – I’m writing it all down. No more saying I’m going to lose 60 lbs this year. No more swearing to eat all my veggies at every meal. NO kumbya I’m gonna be the gosh darndest nicest person you ever met, or my name isn’t…BLECH!!!! That’s just not me, and it ain’t ever gonna be, so hmph! That whole Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm thing always makes me vomit in my mouth! Am I the only one?

I’ve taken a good look at life. I know there are so many things I can do, and many things I can have. It’s up to me to do them, and get them. I flat-out refuse to leave this life without a piece of happiness for myself. It may take a fierce battle to achieve this happiness, but in the end, what else is there? I wanna be old and look back at my life to see that I didn’t give all of my good to everyone but me. I want to lavish some of it on myself. I guess I’m getting a little selfish in my old(er) age. If I can be good to other people, then why haven’t I been good to myself? I’ve been on this happiness journey for awhile now, and I’m not about to stop truckin’ now.

So I’ve started my 2010 list. So far, I can say that I’m dedicating myself to my own happiness. I’m starting to take care of me, and it shows. I’ve picked up my pen again, and Lord willing, I will only put it down for short periods of time. I figure if I keep this log of all the good things and feelings about my life, by the end of this year, the good will absolutely outweigh the bad. It’s gonna feel good to look back and say 2010 was quite possibly the best year of my life (thus far). Instead of a kick rocks kind of year, I’m claiming a kick azz year! I’m out!

© Antoinette Davis
   January 5, 2010

I Had an Angel

"I Had an Angel"

For some time, I’ve been searching my mind about what to say next. I tried over and over to steer my mind left, but it kept going right. I don’t wanna write about her, but I have to. I can’t write another thing until I get this off my chest.

“Her/she” is my mom. October 28th would have been her 64th birthday, and I can’t think of anything else but her, and her love. How do I put into words what she’s meant to me? I’m going over the words in my mind, and it all sounds so cheesy and cliché’. How can I express the goodness of her soul, or the depth of my pain of having to let her go? How do I anticipate new love when I know the greatest love I’ll ever know has already come and gone? For me, love is life itself, but it all just feels second best. How do I say good-bye to my angel?

Saying those words drags up an ugly image I’m not compelled to embrace. I know I’m not going to feel this way forever, but right now I feel all alone. Just plain alone. When nobody else was there, she was there. When I didn’t understand my own feelings, she did. When I didn’t believe my life would amount to anything, it was her cheering from the sidelines that picked me up. I have friends and cheerleaders (thank you, God!), but it doesn’t come close to a mothers’ love.

I look back over her life, and I don’t know how she became the woman she was. She survived hardships that would have taken the fight out of most, and broken the spirit of a warrior. She was afraid most of her life, yet she trudged on in spite of it all. Her body was broken and weary, but she went back to college in her 50s and earned her BSA in Social Work. I’m not sure what drove her, but I gotta tip my hat to her for doin’ tha damn thang. She did it! And she did it with gratitude to her God, and a smile on her face.

I knew of her many heartbreaks. Her nights of praying to God for a better life. I watched her live and love, fight and scrimp. I watched her give everyone everything she had – even if that meant she did without. She lived her life with grace and passion. She was strong, humble, and a woman with peace on her mind. A more special or dignified woman I will never know. She loved hard, and was loved deeply by anyone lucky enough to be in the shadow of her love.

Her first act of love for me was refusing to have an abortion, even though she had pressure from all sides. I didn’t know it then, but I had an angel. If you have angels, appreciate them now. Don’t wake up after they’re gone and realize the blessing that they were to you. Angels walk this earth every day, and come in countless forms.

I would give anything to see my angel again. I don’t really get a chance to miss her cuz I know she still walks by my side. She still dries my tears, and talks to my heart. She loved me before she saw my face, and she'll love me long after my name ceases to have any earthly meaning. I thanked her for her love when she was here, and I thank her for it now. She was the blessing of my life, and not a day goes by that I don’t acknowledge that fact. I can’t let her hard work be in vain. I can only hope that I’m growing into someone that she is proud of.

So…happy birthday, Old Lady! You did good, Sweetie. I’m out.

© Antoinette Davis
   October 6, 2009

"Temptation"

This is something I think most of us can relate to. How many times have you tried to move forward, only to be tempted to in the opposite direction? It happens to me more than I'd like! As long as you walk in the darkness, there's no opposition, right? One step in the right direction seems to bring out all the demons.

"Temptation"

In and out of shadows
I'm falling
living
loving
dreaming
and dying
all in the same breath
is it possible
or have I just opened my eyes
to this confused reality
moving forward means silencing traumas
traumas woven as tightly
as my own DNA
fear of the unknown keeps me planted
all the while my heart is in bloom
a heart that walks in the light
yet precariously balanced
on the razor blade that is darkness
have I settled for darkness
because the light seems so far away
all around me
forces are at work
pulling at me
beckoning my glance
seducing my senses
my needs
and desires
in my heart there is good
in my mind
plots leading to what is surely
a spiritual death
heart trumps the mind
for now I am safe
running towards the light
as temptation dogs my every step
breath
moment
and new-found dreams
is there light without darkness
or have I surrendered to the ultimate darkness
of fear
shame
hopelessness
no
I will not be robbed of my light
that is surely meant to shine
I will not speak of His goodness
while disregarding gifts
lovingly placed at my feet
I move forward understanding
that darkness covets the light
waits for my one moment of weakness
I move on
tempted
determined
and covered by angels unseen
temptation may lurk at every turn
but if I listen to my heart
it is the light that will guide my steps

© Antoinette Davis
April 29, 2009

"Is This Yo' Shoe, Boo?"

I KNOW I'm gonna tick somebody off with this one!! I know it. But I don't care. I know abandonment when I see it. Chickens! Is it really that hard to stand by the side of the one who loves you? Chime in. I'd love to hear the feedback.




"Is This Yo' Shoe, Boo?"

Black man, black man
what has happened to you
no longer the proud lion
or protectors of your families
you're now a fixture on the nightly news
woefully
you've become the monster under the bed
the white man I no longer fear
you are my boogeyman
who taught you to turn tail and run
when times get hard
you lay low
leaving the future of our race
teetering on the shoulders of the black woman
who convinced you a brother
is an enemy
is a brother
I dare say not yo mama
see she's the one sittin' up nights
prayin' yo black ass down the right path
how many tears have been shed on your behalf
how many times will you sit quietly
as the blood of your sons fills the streets
how many precious black boys will be lost
before you come out of your hiding places
how many future Obamas lay 6 feet under
because the books in their hands
betrayed the codes of the streets
had you looked closer
you may have seen your own reflection
and you both could've carried the same torch
watching each others back the whole way
it's time for you to come back home
you've forsaken the family
leaving behind all we once held sacred
you've traded their 1st days of school
for a life of crime
and years behind bars
while you gettin' yo hustle on
guess who waits for a love
you've placed on your back burner
guess who grows up
and learns to be a man of the streets
instead of the man of his house
you've replaced whispered sweet nothings
for shaming disrespectful names
and women
you treat like bitches on a leash
you've dethroned your queens
for the love of a lesser woman
and not even a real love
surely you know
you're only 1 rape accusation away
from the lynch mob and a jail cell
for a little head you've discarded the one
who held you up
when you didn't stand on your own
despite our history together
you've somehow found the audacity
to doubt our love for you
telling yourself our love does not exist
justifies your betrayal
black women have endured
all you've been through
and we're still here
but we now fight alone in the trenches
beautiful diamonds we are
and twice as strong baby
we make it without you
but know this
NOTHING removes the sting of your absence
no amount of money or power
touches the love of our black men
why should I jump the fence
to be with someone who sees the outside
but is mystified by truths
you and I share with but a glance
a white man would only get half the story
and thus
get only half of me
black man I feel
abandoned
disrespected
betrayed
dethroned
forsaken
discarded
utterly diminished
when I should feel
loved
respected
adored
valued
uplifted
and protected
if this is not your likeness
then much respect due
if you see yourself in my words
don't be mad boo
if the shoe fits
then it's yo shoe
if you don't like the fit
then change yo shoe

© Antoinette Davis
    September 18, 2008

“Holy Eviction, Batman!”

I woke up with the intention of wanting to write something kind of light-hearted, but I can’t. This is so not a light-hearted period in my life. Seems like even my funny thoughts lately take me to a lesson I’ve learned, or to the realization that my life is taking another huge turn.

Let’s do this. On October 18, 2005, I got a call asking if I could come to work 30 minutes early. I grumbled and griped, but I agreed to do it. I hurried to get ready, and even had to pay $15 for a cab ride to get me there on time. Not the way I wanted to start my day. I would have dropped to my knees to thank my lucky stars had I known what was taking place at my apartment at the time.

I got to work at 8:00, and got ready for the day. At about 8:15 or 8:20, I got a call that my apartment was on fire. Well, shit! Immediately, my mind started thinking over everything that I would need to replace. I remember saying, “I’m not gonna have anything”, and the tears rolling down my face. On the way to the apartment, thoughts of loss and lost memories rolled through my mind.

When I arrived, fire fighters were ditching my burnt belongings off of my balcony. Yep, this was really happening. Along with a slew of fire fighters, the Red Cross was there to assess the damage. I’m watching all of this, and I was actually pulled to the side so that I could have my rights read to me. That’s right! My Miranda Rights were read to me before I answered any questions. I had no insurance, so what could I possibly have to gain by setting a blaze? I was told it was merely a formality, as there are arsonists who do just what I was subtly being almost-accused of.

My brother arrived, and we surveyed the space. Only the kitchen sustained fire damage. Everything else was destroyed by smoke and/or water. All my clothes – destroyed. My TV, computer, DVD and VCR – destroyed. My bed, bedding, couch, loveseat, and tables- all also destroyed. Curiously, the only things to survive the fire were my bible, my music, my movies, and all of my pictures. ALL of my pictures survived! Hm…all the things I would have tried to save had I known ahead of time a fire was on the way.

Ok, let me backtrack some months. I was talking to God, and I was saying that maybe it was time for me to move. Nothing concrete. Just a general let-me-toss-it-out-there kind of thing. Some time passed, and I had pretty much stopped thinking about moving. The seasons were about to change, and I really didn’t want to move in the cold. Ah, little did I know that what I wanted didn’t mean squat.

I started hearing, “Toni, it’s time for you to leave this place”. Unmistakable. Those were the exact words. Not a feeling. I heard the words clearly. I didn’t say them! So either I’d finally let go of my delusions of sanity, or God was talking to me – in stereo! So what did I do? Ignored the voice that was very plainly speaking to me. The voice did know me by name.

I have this strange thing that happens when God talks to me, or when I know my family needs some prayers. The best way I can describe it to you is that there is somebody about ½ an inch tall hovering outside of my ear – talking into my ear. You laughed, didn’t you? Well that voice has never led me wrong, and I’ve been told that my prayers have gone out at exactly a life-saving moment for that person. The voice does not lie or fail, so I listen to it. Except this time. The voice revisited me many times and said, “Toni, it’s time for you to leave this place”. Again, I hesitated. More like disobeyed.

Flashback to the fateful day. I’m sitting there stunned, and a couple of things become very clear to me. Funny how fire gets your attention, right? One – if I hadn’t been called in early for work, I would have very possibly been in that fire. God told me to move, and I didn’t. Winter was on the way, and dammit if I wasn’t having to do exactly what I said I didn’t wanna do! I walked away from that fire with my life, but not much else. Not even a plan.

While I was busy freaking out about what to do next, things just started falling into place for me. The people at my job amazed me with their kindness, concern, and generosity. I work in a small office of about 30 employees. Those 30 people came up with more than $2000 to help get me on my feet. I cried like a baby as I watched things unfold in front of my eyes. It was overwhelming. Not only did the money roll in, but people did the nicest things for me. Another office in my company heard of the fire, and sent money. I didn’t even know them. I registered at a store, and my co-workers made sure that I had whatever I needed. This was on top of the money they’d previously collected. I can never again say that nobody cares about me. I’ve been shown otherwise.

This is getting kinda long, so let me get to what I’m trying to say. The fire was not a fire. God told me to get going, and I decided I’d like to stay where I was, thank you very much! So what happened? God burned down my apartment! Let me rephrase that. God allowed my apartment to burn down. That doesn’t sound any better, but it feels more correct.

Looking back, I can see how I had gotten way too comfy where I was. Physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually. When I lost everything I had, it gave me the chance to do something a lot of us wish we could do. I got to start all over again. I had a clean slate, and I had nowhere to go but up. I can see now that I was stagnant in so many ways. I’d decided that where I was at was the furthest I’d ever go. It was the most I’d ever have. I’d decided my dreams were just that – dreams. Something that I had while I slept. I’d decided the way my life was would never change, so I’d better just get used to it.

Hindsight is perfect vision. I’d never be able to see with this crystal-clear vision if I had not gone through the fire. God wasn’t just moving me out of my apartment. He moved my feet, my heart, and soul on a whole new path. I looked back, and I didn’t like what I saw. Every time I tried not to change, Somebody up there made me so miserable that I had no choice but to change. Frustrating? Yes! Scary? Hell yeah! To let go of my old life and my old way of thinking has been the most challenging thing I’ve ever taken on – thus far. Before the fire, I was all but dead inside. That’s not a figure of speech, or an exaggeration. I’d never felt more beat-down or useless in my life.

Fast-forward to almost 4 years later. Look at me now! I’ve been healed of hurts that I thought would one day claim my life. I’m writing again, looking forward to whatever comes my way, and thank you Jesus, I dream my dreams with all my heart. I’m different. Even if I never show it to anybody, I know it’s true. When I look back on that fire, believe it or not, it’s with a sense of gratitude. Mind you it took almost 4 years for this gratitude to show its face, but it has. Without going through that experience, who knows what would have been? I dare say nothing good.

They say that a man perishes without a dream. How many of you know that this is true? The fire, as it turns out, wasn’t a fire after all. It was a holy eviction! And a blessing in disguise. The next time God tells me to get going, I hope it won’t come in the form of fire! The little guy outside my ear is sufficient.

I thought I was done, but I have one more observation. Originally, I’m the one who said I kinda sorta wanted to move. So not only does God have a sense of humor (ha, ha –good one God!), but He also gave me what I half-aksed for. I’ve learned to be careful what I ask for. He might just give it to me. I’m out!

© Antoinette Davis
   September 1, 2009.