"Clarity and Revelations of a Fat Girl - The Healing Continues"
For so many years, I have looked at my body. I've never liked it, and I always wondered why. The reason is so obvious. You can say it's always been the elephant in the room. It's because I'm fat.
This body and this fat I've carried for most of my life is the reason I have hidden myself in plain sight. My mother used to ask me when I was going to stop hiding myself. I had no idea what she meant then. After much reflection, I've finally been able to see the small ways I've hidden and diminished who I am, and what I look like. I've always had pretty hair. It's kind of long, and I'd always pulled it back into a knot, cut it off, or covered it with a hair piece of some kind. I recently lost about 40 pounds, and I would catch myself still wearing the clothes that were too big. I refused dates without so much as a second thought. I've never physically walked with my eyes or head down, but believe me when I tell you I had mastered the art of averting my eyes when I walked down the street. I knew how to keep people away from me.
Even though I felt bad about myself, deep, deep down inside, I always felt like this dynamic person. Then I'd look in my mirror and all of those wonderful things I felt would be absorbed, denied, and ultimately torn apart because of how I looked. How many times growing up did you hear a fat woman described as beautiful and dynamic? I'll wait because I'm sure that it will take you a while to think of a name. Who in their right mind would want to hide themselves? I would imagine that there are as many reasons as there are people on the planet.
What started me asking myself why I'm fat all stemmed from me asking God to PLEASE heal my heart, and take away my pain. I knew in my head that my pain and me being fat was connected to me being molested at the age of 5. In my head, of course, I had made the connection. When I sent up my desperate prayer to God, He answered it. BUT I had no idea that I would be gutted in the process. I didn't know that my 1 prayer would lead to sleepless nights, daily doubts, and too many tears to count. I wanted to give up on this healing so many times, but God never gives up until He is finished.
I had to start getting honest with myself and start asking some hard questions. Why was it that I would put energy into changing everything I hated except for my weight? I hated my job, so I quit. I felt that I needed to work on my relationship with God, so I did and am still doing that. I felt that I was holding onto too many unwanted items in my apartment, so I've been tossing stuff left and right. I didn't feel like I was spoiling myself enough, so I started treating myself to pedicures. But when it came to my weight, until very recently, I did absolutely nothing to change it.
When I look back to my childhood, I remember that my mom (RIP) didn't like it when people would tell me and my sibling that we were cute and pretty. It's like there was a limit on how many times people would be allowed to make comments about how we looked. I asked her why she did that, and she said she didn't want us to grow up vain and self-centered. I can absolutely respect that but I wonder if she knew how badly I needed to hear good things about myself. I believe her heart was in the right place, and she never spoke negatively to us about ourselves. I grew up feeling that there was something wrong with being attractive. I've always been overly-modest, and sometimes it's still hard for me to accept compliments. I don't blame her for what she did, but I don't think she ever knew that I felt that what she did LOOKED LIKE she was tearing me down. To a child, that's how it would look. Wow. Ouch! Of course, that wasn't the case.
After my crazy, desperate prayer, I started to really pat attention to the words that I'd speak. I started to change the things I said and thought about myself. All those words I associated with being fat (unlovable, ugly, unworthy, worthless, hideous) - I fought with everything I had to banish them from my heart. It was so much easier to make that connection in my head that I was none of these things. It took me quite a while to make that connection in my heart of hearts, and my spirit. But I did! And when I did make that connection, I started to notice that people reacted differently to me. I saw men rushing to open doors for me. Strangers stop to say the nicest things to me. People smiled at me when I walked down the street. I suspect this was always the case, but I was seeing it all through new eyes.
Ok, so here we are now. I've walked through the fire, and FINALLY dealt with the pain of my past. I've made the connection of the past and this fat body. So why am I still fat after all of this hard work I have put into myself? I think that it used to be ok with me, and now it just isn't ok anymore. It's not!
What do I know, and what have I learned about my battle with my weight? What do I know now? I know that the weight is a manifestation of what was done to me, and it's not a true representation of who or what I really am. I know that although I am happy with the 40 lbs. I have lost, I'm nowhere NEAR ready to give up until I lose it all. I know that I reject any and all thoughts that drag me back to the darkness of my past. I know that I'm not hiding myself anymore. Hiding led me to an almost-attempted suicide. Besides, I don't have anything TO hide! I know that I've finally reached the point where I look at things and say, "Toni, this is not good enough for you, and you deserve so much better." I know that now when I turn men down, it's not because I'm hiding. It's because I know what I want and need now. Or even because I see potential, and I don't want to mess things up by rushing. It's a conscious decision made with my eyes wide open. There's nothing like running into a man from long ago to remind you of your real worth. That's another blog! I know that God didn't make me so that I can sit on the sidelines of my own life.
If you are unhappy with your weight, have you ever asked yourself why you're fat? I challenge you to do that. You may be surprised at the reasons. When you ask the question, be prepared. What you learn may hurt. It probably will hurt. But if you decided to deal with that pain, the steps you take forward will lead to a healing of your body, mind, and spirit. I'm not just talking. Asking myself that question was part of my journey to my healing.
So now what? I'm this new woman trying to walk this walk I've never walked before. I will get my footing just as sure as I'm talking to you right now. I now see myself as this imperfect, yet somehow perfect blooming rose. I still have my insecurities - especially when it comes to men. Again, that's another blog!
While I was writing this, I wondered why am I so willing to share this? It's because I know that there are so many other people battling their weight, and the reasons behind that weight. Maybe something I say will resonate, and they (or you) will ask themselves the tough questions that will start their new walk.
The road from pain to blooming rose has not been easy. Don't get it twisted. It's been HARD, but it's the road I CHOSE to take because I am so worth it! And so are you. I'm out!
Copyright, Antoinette Davis, November 16, 2013
This body and this fat I've carried for most of my life is the reason I have hidden myself in plain sight. My mother used to ask me when I was going to stop hiding myself. I had no idea what she meant then. After much reflection, I've finally been able to see the small ways I've hidden and diminished who I am, and what I look like. I've always had pretty hair. It's kind of long, and I'd always pulled it back into a knot, cut it off, or covered it with a hair piece of some kind. I recently lost about 40 pounds, and I would catch myself still wearing the clothes that were too big. I refused dates without so much as a second thought. I've never physically walked with my eyes or head down, but believe me when I tell you I had mastered the art of averting my eyes when I walked down the street. I knew how to keep people away from me.
Even though I felt bad about myself, deep, deep down inside, I always felt like this dynamic person. Then I'd look in my mirror and all of those wonderful things I felt would be absorbed, denied, and ultimately torn apart because of how I looked. How many times growing up did you hear a fat woman described as beautiful and dynamic? I'll wait because I'm sure that it will take you a while to think of a name. Who in their right mind would want to hide themselves? I would imagine that there are as many reasons as there are people on the planet.
What started me asking myself why I'm fat all stemmed from me asking God to PLEASE heal my heart, and take away my pain. I knew in my head that my pain and me being fat was connected to me being molested at the age of 5. In my head, of course, I had made the connection. When I sent up my desperate prayer to God, He answered it. BUT I had no idea that I would be gutted in the process. I didn't know that my 1 prayer would lead to sleepless nights, daily doubts, and too many tears to count. I wanted to give up on this healing so many times, but God never gives up until He is finished.
I had to start getting honest with myself and start asking some hard questions. Why was it that I would put energy into changing everything I hated except for my weight? I hated my job, so I quit. I felt that I needed to work on my relationship with God, so I did and am still doing that. I felt that I was holding onto too many unwanted items in my apartment, so I've been tossing stuff left and right. I didn't feel like I was spoiling myself enough, so I started treating myself to pedicures. But when it came to my weight, until very recently, I did absolutely nothing to change it.
When I look back to my childhood, I remember that my mom (RIP) didn't like it when people would tell me and my sibling that we were cute and pretty. It's like there was a limit on how many times people would be allowed to make comments about how we looked. I asked her why she did that, and she said she didn't want us to grow up vain and self-centered. I can absolutely respect that but I wonder if she knew how badly I needed to hear good things about myself. I believe her heart was in the right place, and she never spoke negatively to us about ourselves. I grew up feeling that there was something wrong with being attractive. I've always been overly-modest, and sometimes it's still hard for me to accept compliments. I don't blame her for what she did, but I don't think she ever knew that I felt that what she did LOOKED LIKE she was tearing me down. To a child, that's how it would look. Wow. Ouch! Of course, that wasn't the case.
After my crazy, desperate prayer, I started to really pat attention to the words that I'd speak. I started to change the things I said and thought about myself. All those words I associated with being fat (unlovable, ugly, unworthy, worthless, hideous) - I fought with everything I had to banish them from my heart. It was so much easier to make that connection in my head that I was none of these things. It took me quite a while to make that connection in my heart of hearts, and my spirit. But I did! And when I did make that connection, I started to notice that people reacted differently to me. I saw men rushing to open doors for me. Strangers stop to say the nicest things to me. People smiled at me when I walked down the street. I suspect this was always the case, but I was seeing it all through new eyes.
Ok, so here we are now. I've walked through the fire, and FINALLY dealt with the pain of my past. I've made the connection of the past and this fat body. So why am I still fat after all of this hard work I have put into myself? I think that it used to be ok with me, and now it just isn't ok anymore. It's not!
What do I know, and what have I learned about my battle with my weight? What do I know now? I know that the weight is a manifestation of what was done to me, and it's not a true representation of who or what I really am. I know that although I am happy with the 40 lbs. I have lost, I'm nowhere NEAR ready to give up until I lose it all. I know that I reject any and all thoughts that drag me back to the darkness of my past. I know that I'm not hiding myself anymore. Hiding led me to an almost-attempted suicide. Besides, I don't have anything TO hide! I know that I've finally reached the point where I look at things and say, "Toni, this is not good enough for you, and you deserve so much better." I know that now when I turn men down, it's not because I'm hiding. It's because I know what I want and need now. Or even because I see potential, and I don't want to mess things up by rushing. It's a conscious decision made with my eyes wide open. There's nothing like running into a man from long ago to remind you of your real worth. That's another blog! I know that God didn't make me so that I can sit on the sidelines of my own life.
If you are unhappy with your weight, have you ever asked yourself why you're fat? I challenge you to do that. You may be surprised at the reasons. When you ask the question, be prepared. What you learn may hurt. It probably will hurt. But if you decided to deal with that pain, the steps you take forward will lead to a healing of your body, mind, and spirit. I'm not just talking. Asking myself that question was part of my journey to my healing.
So now what? I'm this new woman trying to walk this walk I've never walked before. I will get my footing just as sure as I'm talking to you right now. I now see myself as this imperfect, yet somehow perfect blooming rose. I still have my insecurities - especially when it comes to men. Again, that's another blog!
While I was writing this, I wondered why am I so willing to share this? It's because I know that there are so many other people battling their weight, and the reasons behind that weight. Maybe something I say will resonate, and they (or you) will ask themselves the tough questions that will start their new walk.
The road from pain to blooming rose has not been easy. Don't get it twisted. It's been HARD, but it's the road I CHOSE to take because I am so worth it! And so are you. I'm out!
Copyright, Antoinette Davis, November 16, 2013
