I woke up with the intention of wanting to write something kind of light-hearted, but I can’t. This is so not a light-hearted period in my life. Seems like even my funny thoughts lately take me to a lesson I’ve learned, or to the realization that my life is taking another huge turn.
Let’s do this. On October 18, 2005, I got a call asking if I could come to work 30 minutes early. I grumbled and griped, but I agreed to do it. I hurried to get ready, and even had to pay $15 for a cab ride to get me there on time. Not the way I wanted to start my day. I would have dropped to my knees to thank my lucky stars had I known what was taking place at my apartment at the time.
I got to work at 8:00, and got ready for the day. At about 8:15 or 8:20, I got a call that my apartment was on fire. Well, shit! Immediately, my mind started thinking over everything that I would need to replace. I remember saying, “I’m not gonna have anything”, and the tears rolling down my face. On the way to the apartment, thoughts of loss and lost memories rolled through my mind.
When I arrived, fire fighters were ditching my burnt belongings off of my balcony. Yep, this was really happening. Along with a slew of fire fighters, the Red Cross was there to assess the damage. I’m watching all of this, and I was actually pulled to the side so that I could have my rights read to me. That’s right! My Miranda Rights were read to me before I answered any questions. I had no insurance, so what could I possibly have to gain by setting a blaze? I was told it was merely a formality, as there are arsonists who do just what I was subtly being almost-accused of.
My brother arrived, and we surveyed the space. Only the kitchen sustained fire damage. Everything else was destroyed by smoke and/or water. All my clothes – destroyed. My TV, computer, DVD and VCR – destroyed. My bed, bedding, couch, loveseat, and tables- all also destroyed. Curiously, the only things to survive the fire were my bible, my music, my movies, and all of my pictures. ALL of my pictures survived! Hm…all the things I would have tried to save had I known ahead of time a fire was on the way.
Ok, let me backtrack some months. I was talking to God, and I was saying that maybe it was time for me to move. Nothing concrete. Just a general let-me-toss-it-out-there kind of thing. Some time passed, and I had pretty much stopped thinking about moving. The seasons were about to change, and I really didn’t want to move in the cold. Ah, little did I know that what I wanted didn’t mean squat.
I started hearing, “Toni, it’s time for you to leave this place”. Unmistakable. Those were the exact words. Not a feeling. I heard the words clearly. I didn’t say them! So either I’d finally let go of my delusions of sanity, or God was talking to me – in stereo! So what did I do? Ignored the voice that was very plainly speaking to me. The voice did know me by name.
I have this strange thing that happens when God talks to me, or when I know my family needs some prayers. The best way I can describe it to you is that there is somebody about ½ an inch tall hovering outside of my ear – talking into my ear. You laughed, didn’t you? Well that voice has never led me wrong, and I’ve been told that my prayers have gone out at exactly a life-saving moment for that person. The voice does not lie or fail, so I listen to it. Except this time. The voice revisited me many times and said, “Toni, it’s time for you to leave this place”. Again, I hesitated. More like disobeyed.
Flashback to the fateful day. I’m sitting there stunned, and a couple of things become very clear to me. Funny how fire gets your attention, right? One – if I hadn’t been called in early for work, I would have very possibly been in that fire. God told me to move, and I didn’t. Winter was on the way, and dammit if I wasn’t having to do exactly what I said I didn’t wanna do! I walked away from that fire with my life, but not much else. Not even a plan.
While I was busy freaking out about what to do next, things just started falling into place for me. The people at my job amazed me with their kindness, concern, and generosity. I work in a small office of about 30 employees. Those 30 people came up with more than $2000 to help get me on my feet. I cried like a baby as I watched things unfold in front of my eyes. It was overwhelming. Not only did the money roll in, but people did the nicest things for me. Another office in my company heard of the fire, and sent money. I didn’t even know them. I registered at a store, and my co-workers made sure that I had whatever I needed. This was on top of the money they’d previously collected. I can never again say that nobody cares about me. I’ve been shown otherwise.
This is getting kinda long, so let me get to what I’m trying to say. The fire was not a fire. God told me to get going, and I decided I’d like to stay where I was, thank you very much! So what happened? God burned down my apartment! Let me rephrase that. God allowed my apartment to burn down. That doesn’t sound any better, but it feels more correct.
Looking back, I can see how I had gotten way too comfy where I was. Physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually. When I lost everything I had, it gave me the chance to do something a lot of us wish we could do. I got to start all over again. I had a clean slate, and I had nowhere to go but up. I can see now that I was stagnant in so many ways. I’d decided that where I was at was the furthest I’d ever go. It was the most I’d ever have. I’d decided my dreams were just that – dreams. Something that I had while I slept. I’d decided the way my life was would never change, so I’d better just get used to it.
Hindsight is perfect vision. I’d never be able to see with this crystal-clear vision if I had not gone through the fire. God wasn’t just moving me out of my apartment. He moved my feet, my heart, and soul on a whole new path. I looked back, and I didn’t like what I saw. Every time I tried not to change, Somebody up there made me so miserable that I had no choice but to change. Frustrating? Yes! Scary? Hell yeah! To let go of my old life and my old way of thinking has been the most challenging thing I’ve ever taken on – thus far. Before the fire, I was all but dead inside. That’s not a figure of speech, or an exaggeration. I’d never felt more beat-down or useless in my life.
Fast-forward to almost 4 years later. Look at me now! I’ve been healed of hurts that I thought would one day claim my life. I’m writing again, looking forward to whatever comes my way, and thank you Jesus, I dream my dreams with all my heart. I’m different. Even if I never show it to anybody, I know it’s true. When I look back on that fire, believe it or not, it’s with a sense of gratitude. Mind you it took almost 4 years for this gratitude to show its face, but it has. Without going through that experience, who knows what would have been? I dare say nothing good.
They say that a man perishes without a dream. How many of you know that this is true? The fire, as it turns out, wasn’t a fire after all. It was a holy eviction! And a blessing in disguise. The next time God tells me to get going, I hope it won’t come in the form of fire! The little guy outside my ear is sufficient.
I thought I was done, but I have one more observation. Originally, I’m the one who said I kinda sorta wanted to move. So not only does God have a sense of humor (ha, ha –good one God!), but He also gave me what I half-aksed for. I’ve learned to be careful what I ask for. He might just give it to me. I’m out!
© Antoinette Davis
September 1, 2009.
