"Shattered Reflection"

This poem was a very long time coming. When somebody toys with your innocence, something inside dies. Well, I'm no longer dead inside, and I have no shame whatsoever for the actions taken against me. Recently, I've been able to leave that pain in the past. Part of me did die, but it needed to die in order to move on. I lost the pain, and I'm finally beginning to regain my life. MY life. Thanks be to God.




Who are you
do I know you anymore
you look strangely familiar
yet your reflection barely rings a bell
I look into your eyes
and someone new is peering my way
I know you through and through
so don't front on me now
I know your thoughts
fears
your grand dreams
you never allowed yourself to dream
yep
I even know your deepest hurts
and your secret pain
I do know you
well I used to know you
what has happened to you girl
you're no longer the one I depend on
you used to protect me
held my heart so close to you
so close
there was no room
for anything
or anyone
your fears kept you and me safe
your stubbornness and strength
assured that I would always
put one foot in front of the other
and walk the walk
through sunshine and rain
I have walked
and you were there the whole time
quietly praying
keeping my spirits up
holding me up
when failure seemingly overwhelmed me
lying to my face
if that was the difference
between our life or death
telling me I would be alright
even though your faith was shaky
so why do you abandon me now
why have you left me alone
when you know alone
is the one thing I never want to be
or maybe it is I
who now abandons you
this unfamiliar and slightly uneasy gaze
in the mirror no longer belongs to you
it is mine
your reflection
holds little light for me now
it is broken
and beneath my feet
to put the pieces together again
would give you life
and replenish your light
I no longer recognize myself
and you are becoming a distant memory
who is this new woman
who's boldly invading my space
and looking beyond the old reflection
do I recognize that old reflection
she was but a child
doing her best to stay afloat
in a grown up world
full of hurts
and too many rough seas
she is so tired
and she has done the job God sent her to do
I knew the day would come
when I'd have to release you
I RELEASE YOU
your job is over
and I leave you to take your rest
the words "well done, my servant"
play in my mind right now
it feels good in my soul
it feels good...
©Antoinette Davis
  January 26, 2006

I Learned a Lesson From my Hair Today

I know that sounds a little weird, but follow me. I was on the way home today, and I thought about my cutting my hair again. Then I thought maybe I'd wait until after August so that it would still be long enough to pull back when I'm in Vegas. I thought I guess I can keep it longer until then. It doesn't look bad or anything, but it's really not the way that I like it. Deep, right? My hair! Big whoop.

As I was thinking about keeping my hair longer, something hit me. I thought to myself, why would I keep my hair longer when I really like it short? Why would it be ok for me to not look the way I wanna look for 3 whole months? Why would I be so willing to compromise on this issue? Especially since I've been really working on being totally what I wanna be.

Then I started thinking about how I look to myself. So superficial! I know! But follow me. Most of my life, I've been overweight. I've lost 25 pounds, but then I stopped working out. I told myself that I didn't have the motivation to continue. I've told myself that I'm just lazy. I've told myself that it doesn't matter, even though I knew it was a lie. Hit me today that it's none of those reasons. I've compromised again! I've accepted that it's ok for me to be overweight, even though I'm disgusted when I look in the mirror, and it's not how I feel on the inside. Hell I feel sexy on the inside! It's hard for me to reconcile my beautiful inside, when I hate how I look on the outside. My inside and outside don't match anymore, and by compromising, I am the one who's my own worst enemy. I'm not being hard on myself. I'm being honest with myself. There's a difference, I think.

How many times have we all compromised ourselves, and called it something else? I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. I'm can't afford this, so I'll just take that instead. That would look really pretty on me, but it's not what everybody else is wearing. This man likes me, but he wants to change everything about me so that he's happy. I was abused as a child, so I'm just gonna use that for my defense for as long as it works. This job pays my bills, but I'm wasting myself and my life if I stay. On and on and on. Y'all following me?

How many steps do you think there are between settling for whatever, and compromising the rest of your life away? I'm gonna say not as many as you might think. Once you start settling for small things, when the bigger things come your way, you're already in the habit, and it's nothing to turn a blind eye to something that could change your life. I'm talking from experience, so don't think I'm blowing sunshine up your butt when I say that.

I said all that to say this: One day you're compromising. The next day you're settling. The next day, you're being used for somebody else' purposes. The next day you're unhappy, and you don't know what happened to your life. The next day, you decide it's just easier if you stay the way you are. The next day you don't know how to live, and you have no dreams.

So tonight, I'm getting my big butt back on my Gazelle Glider, and I'm going back to the gym this week. Not just cuz I want the cute, sexy clothes (I do), but because I'm not compromising my health or my image of myself anymore. When you KNOW in your heart that you are worthy, compromising is something that dies. I'm in my 40s, and I just now know that I'm worthy. It's taken that long to shake off a lot of bad things. But I'm there now! Today, my hair taught me a couple of things.

1. Just the fact that I can be this honest with myself, I know that I've moved forward in so many ways.

2. I know that I'm worthy of my own image of me, and also of what I want for myself. The image and the wants are what I am, and what I want. Not what my family might think, etc. Did that make sense?

There's nothing wrong with compromise. But not if it's to the detriment of YOU, or YOUR well-being! Did y'all follow me? I'm out!

Me in 100 words

I got this challenge from a friend of mine (hi, Lois!). I was asked to describe myself in 100 words. It was kinda hard cuz I talk too much sometimes, and I had to change it many times. This was kinda cool though ;-)


I was born to a woman with no money, but a heart of pure gold. Strong, determined, funny, sassy, creative, inquisitive, complex, unbelievably vulnerable at times, sometimes bitchy, but always real. I can get under your skin, in your face, or in your heart. Depends on how you treat me. Mistakes in my past have made me smart, but not immune from the occasional heartbreak. If you get on my bad side, you may as well stay there. I'm a fierce protector of me and those I love. I'm hopeful, and always looking for light in a world of darkness.