Daily Writing Exercise – Find a photo and write what’s not in that photo

Lord, Jesus. The first photo that popped into my head was my kindergarten school picture.  I used to laugh when I saw that picture, but the laughs have faded. What’s missing from that picture is my innocence. That smirk on my face doesn’t show the trauma and fear I was living with. This pic doesn’t show the smile or happy-go-lucky life of a 5-year-old who was being repeatedly molested. It doesn’t show the confusion, or my questions of right vs. wrong that I was feeling and questioning. The ‘normal’ smile of my 5-year-old self did not exist.  The slow death of my spirit had already begun, but that was yet not evident. Remembering this picture again; I hoped to see a little dreamer. Instead; only the defiant, cocky smile of a hurting child stares back at me. That little smirk hid a world of hurt. It covered the newfound knowledge that no 5-year-old child should have. My God. I have so much healing to do.

What Do You Remember About Sept. 11, 2001?, October 24, 2019

Wow. That is a day that I don’t think anybody in this country will ever forget.

I remember everything about that day. I was working as a receptionist for a global firm, and people were running into one of the conference rooms. They were screaming to turn the TV on. I was on the phone, and I could hear people softly crying. Once I was able to get off the phones, I joined everybody else in the conference room. It was eerily quiet as we watched people running. I remember the sadness in the voice of the reporter. I remember praying, and wondering how anybody could survive this catastrophe. I wondered how long that tower could stand on its own, and what would happen to the people inside if / when the tower fell apart. We were all silently watching the chaos going on, and then the second plane hit the tower. The sound of sobs filled the room. The amount of ‘Oh my Gods” could not be counted. Disbelief, sadness, and fear gripped everybody in that conference room. It was at that moment that it dawned on everybody that this was no accident.  We were under attack. Not in some far-off land. Not in a this-is-only-TV kind of way. On our own soil. Under attack. This is the moment I started to cry.

Our conference room looked out into a big, wide space. There were no buildings to block out view of the Ohio River. I remember I kept looking back to see if there was a plane behind us. I checked that window at least 10 times while we listened to the news. 

We listened as the report told stories of people jumping out of windows, plummeting to their deaths. THIS was something that shook me to my core. These people went to work the same way that I did that day. Going to work, and then having to decide your manner of death. It’s too much to even connect with, or touch on in any kind of real way. It was so unbelievable that people had to choose between burning to death, or splattering below on the concrete. God knows how many stories these people fell. What they must’ve been thinking and feeling as they free-fell awaiting their deaths. Did they think of their loved ones? Or maybe they wondered if their death would be instant. I wonder if they regretted their decision to take that final leap. Even thinking about this now makes my chest tight. It brings such a feeling of dread and sadness. Out of ALL of my 9/11 memories, this is the one that fuc*s me up the most.

Shortly after the second plane hit the tower, our building was evacuated. Our building was attached to The Federal Building, and there were fears that federal buildings across the country could possibly be the next target. Fear was running rampant at this point. Have you ever felt fear so prevalent that you were sure you could reach out and touch it? So real that you could smell it? So real that absolutely nothing else existed at that moment? We all felt it.

We hurried to evacuate the building, and ran out of the building like our lives were in danger. People from all over downtown filled the streets. We were all in utter disbelief. I just remember I wanted to get as far away from The Federal Building as I could.

While I was running away, all I could think of was the victims. The family members of the victims. The passengers in the 3 planes. The first responders. I’m sure that they trained for all kinds of disasters, but for this? They did an AMAZING job, and they have nothing but respect from me, and I’m sure from everyone in the country. Where / how did they even start? My heart really went out the first responders. They were thrown into an unbelievable situation. I found myself praying that they would experience no guilt about the people who couldn’t be saved. I know that their bodies were tired, and I can only imagine that many of them walked away heartbroken at what they witnessed. I still say prayers for them, and their mental health.

My oldest niece turned 11 on 9/11/11, and I remember that we did not celebrate her birthday that year. We wanted to, but we were all so sad. We did celebrate her birthday a week or so later. But I do remember wondering if she understood our sadness. She was a child, and maybe all she knew was that everybody skipped her birthday. I’ll have to ask her that one day.

In closing; what I remember about 9/11/11 is being truly afraid. Feeling unsafe in a way I had never experienced before. I remember that life as we all knew it was changed forever. It was like life became before 9/11 and after 9/11. Not just life. I remember having to turn off the TV because the stories got more and more grim. 9/11 cast such a dark shadow over the world. Every now and then I would hear a story about a survivor that managed to live, and that was amazing – and a testament to the human spirit. I cheered those rare moments. 9/11 made us all realize that America was vulnerable, too. We weren’t this big, untouchable powerhouse anymore. We were just like everybody else. But mostly; 9/11 showed me the power of hate, and also the power of love. To this day, I still question which one is more powerful. I do believe more people love than hate, but those 2 missing towers remind me of what can happen when hate, power, and evil connect. God bless each and every one of the 2,977 victims who lost their lives on this day. RIP ♥

© Antoinette Davis, October 24, 2019

Best compliment I’ve received, October 24, 2019

This happened years ago. Me and my oldest niece were at an outdoor market in the city. We were outside just kind of browsing, and this man walked up. He said he didn’t want to interrupt us, but he had to tell us something. He said: “You both are sophisticated, and humble. You both shine, but in a low-key, humble kind of way. You don’t see that often, and I just thought I would let you both know that.” He wished us well, and went about his day.

Even though that was so long ago, his words have stuck with me. Me and my niece are humble people. I just didn’t think that anybody would be so struck by that fact. I guess I just take it for granted that most people try to be humble. What could you possibly gain by not being humble?

What Events / Miracles in the Past Do You Wish You Could Have Witnessed? 10.23.19

THIS!!! God, where do I even start??? SO many possibilities!

The parting of the Red Sea. Parable? Fact? Story handed down from your drunk uncle? Does it matter at this point? This is one story that will OUTLIVE the roaches that will rule the WORLD when all else is gone! **waving church fan** A lot of people take bible stories to be little more than parables, but what IF this really happened? Could you even IMAGINE??? I don’t need a sea to part in order to believe in God and His miracles, but just the thought / idea that this was an event that was actually witnessed fills me with jealousy, envy, amazement, and wonder. Would I have walked through the sea as the parted waters hovered above / around me? That might have required more faith than I currently have. **insert wide-eyed blank stare, and a smirk if you will**

Jesus feeds the multiples with 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread. Remember how your grandmother used to cut a cake into like 100 paper-thin, see-through pieces? Well this right here blows granny out the water! Jesus takes the 2 fish and 5 loaves given to Him. He holds the food up to the heavens, and says a prayer over said food. Suddenly, he’s feeding 5000 people! Throwing 2 pieces of fish on our family table would SURELY result in hand smacks – and possibly even injuries! I’m just sayin’. So 5000 people?!?! Some versions of this story say that He even had loaves of bread left after feeding the multitudes. Typing this, I’ve got my eyes squinted in that skeptical, quizzical manner. I know me, and I would have been watching like a hawk! I’d have been looking for Keebler elves dropping fish out tree holes! Yes, Keebler elves are real! It could happen! All I can do at this point is marvel, and wonder what it would have been like to be a witness. So Jesus fed the multitudes, and also healed people in that crowd. Now there’s something granny couldn’t do **insert smirk**. Why am I so full of smirks? LOL! Literally, laughing for real.

Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. Background story: Lazarus was sick, and his family called for Jesus to save Lazarus from death. Jesus delayed coming to Lazarus’ side by a couple of days, and Lazarus dies.  The family buries Lazarus, and puts a stone in front of his grave. Jesus shows up 3-4 days after Lazarus is buried, and his family is hurt. They blame Jesus for coming too late to save Lazarus.  They say they can smell the body of Lazarus from his grave. I’m telling this story respectfully, but I PROMISE you I have this crazy, out of order skit going on in my head LOL! Jesus asks the family if they are still believers, and they say yes, they are. Jesus goes to the grave, and tells the family to move the stone from in front of the grave. Jesus says “Lazarus, come forth”, and here comes Lazarus walking out from the grave! Again; KILLING ME to keep this politically correct LOL! Ok. This is something that would have solidified my faith. My mustard-sized faith would have grown just as the heart of the Grinch grew! Ya HEARD me? THIS, I would have LOVED to have witnessed! 

Man with no legs flies into…Let me explain before you send me off to hell LOL! This story was told to my mom by her friend – who I do not believe was a liar in any way. Gotta say that. SO! My moms’ friend-who we will call…Angela- was strolling through the mall. A man with no legs caught her eye. He was atop a board, and had those wooden ‘stumps’ which helped him to move the board he was riding. The man was on the board, and was going pretty fast from what “Angela” said. WELL! The man was going so fast, and when he hit the ramp in the middle of the mall – he went airborne! Not ONLY did he go airborne, but he also smashed, crashed, boom-BANG into one of those kiosks in the middle of the mall! LMAO!!! I know God would NEVER let me be witness to something like this! He knows I wouldn’t have had sense enough to keep my composure! He knows it LOL! But I still wish I could have seen it! After I stopped rollin’ around on  the flo; and after summoning God HIMSELF to stop the flow of urine – I would have helped this man! Swear! LOL! But, yeah. TRUST! I wish I had gotten to see this one! What can I say? To know me is to love me LOL!

I wanted to end this on a kind of religious tone, but how can I do that after I just told the story of the man with no legs? Sooooo… I’m out! LOL!

© Antoinette Davis, October 23, 2019

 

 

Write a list defining one thing you learned for every year you have been alive, October 10, 2019

Write a list defining one thing you learned for every year you have been alive. So, if you are 15 — write 15 lessons. If you are 25, write 25 lessons. This was harder than I thought!  


1.    Love is stronger than hate


2.    Everybody who says they are your friend are not always your friends


3.    Karma is real


4.    You never totally know a person – even when you think you do


5.    Low self-esteem is the root of bad relationships


6.    The grass is not always greener on the other side


7.    Faith is the hardest walk you’ll ever walk


8.    God is real


9.    Money comes and goes, and is not worth the damage left in the wake of seeking it


10.    The love of your family is everything


11.    Nothing replaces the love of a good mother


12.    Sometimes a dream is not just a dream. It’s a visitation


13.    Don’t bite the hand that feeds you


14.    The root of racism is fear


15.    Laughter is good for the soul


16.    Hurt people hurt people


17.    The top of a rollercoaster ride is the wrong time to question the mechanics / physics of said rollercoaster


18.    Some people value the life of animals over human lives


19.    Sometimes your biggest enemy is between your ears


20.    Time is the most precious thing you own


21.    Your gut is never wrong


22.    I’d rather be poor than to be a rich snob


23.    Material things are just things


24.    Love is not always easy


25.    Kids are the most honest creatures God ever made


26.    You can’t put a price on peace of mind


27.    If a man makes you feel ‘less than’; he’s not the man you should be with


28.    Words hurt more than a punch


29.    Pretty is as pretty does


30.    A shut eye ain’t always sleep


31.    Real friends don’t care what you look like, or what you do or do not have


32.    Everything that’s good to you ain’t good for you


33.    God always gets His way


34.    More people care about you than you think


35.    Every neighborhood needs at least 1 really nosey neighbor


36.    Skinny men need love too. Just not from me


37.    Music is healing


38.    A smile from the right person is everything


39.    Heaven costs more than we are able to give, sometimes


40.    You have to know love before you can give it away


41.    Everybody is not meant to be a parent. Get a dog first, and see how that goes


42.    Sometimes you just need a good cry


43.    Sometimes you just need to say thank you


44.    Let go of people who emotionally drain you


45.    Since God makes no mistakes, I know where I’m supposed to be


46.    Pain is often disguised as rage


47.    Nothing is impossible


48.    Don’t go to the ends of the earth for somebody unless they’d do the same for you


49.    If sin is sin is sin – then make it a big one so it’ll be worth it LOL


50.    Going to the beach makes life worth living


51.    Change is good for the soul


52.    If you want something bad enough, you’ll make it happen


53.    Most things we worry about never come to pass


54.    Sometimes a loss is actually a win


55.    Don’t wear high-water pants, white socks, and sandals and expect to find love. Love might be blind, but women are not 

Write a short story about 2 people stuck in an elevator, October 2, 2019

I haven't written a short story for so long. But, here goes!




By all accounts, this was a normal day for Deena. The kids were off to school, and her husband, Frank, was off doing God knows what. Or who.

 

Deena was accomplished by anyones standards, but she begrudgingly left her dreams behind to raise a family. Most of the time, she was ok with being a wife and mother. But today it just felt like a burden, and a huge mistake.

 

Deena never ventured far from home, but today, she just wanted to be free. She hurriedly got dressed, and decided a day of pampering was what she needed. The ‘poor little rich girl’ label bothered her, but money was enough to solve all of her problems today.

 

Halfway to the salon, Deena realized she had no cash or credit card in her purse. Her bank was just down the street, and all worries fell by the wayside as she reached her destination.

 

Making her way to the elevator, she yelled ‘can you hold the elevator, please?’

 

The elderly woman on the elevator happily obliged. This woman was worn, and tired. The years showed on her face, and not in a good way. Deena was immediately drawn to this woman. She didn’t want to humiliate or embarrass her, but she wanted to help her. The elderly woman was ashamed of her shabby clothes, and quickly tried to straighten them. She tried to make herself presentable, but it was an act of futility.

Deena sensed her shame, and instantly felt guilty about all of the ‘things’ she had accumulated in her life. She hung her head, but decided she just wanted to help if she could.

 

‘Hello, ma’am’ Deena cautiously said. ‘How are you doing?’

 

‘Oh, I’m not doing so well. I’m on my way to deliver my will to a lawyer. I don’t have much to leave anyone, but still’.

 

‘Surely, you have many years ahead of you, ma’am’.

 

‘Actually, sweetheart. I am dying.’

 

The elevator fell silent, and her words echoed between the women.

 

‘I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help you? Anything?’

 

‘No. Just live your life. Be happy. People sacrifice things for us to be happy, and we never know it.’

 

Again, silence.

 

Deena so desperately wanted to be helpful, but did not know how.

 

‘Ma’am. This is my contact information. If you need something, will you contact me? Will you do that?’

 

‘It’s too late for me, my dear. God will be calling me home soon. But I thank you for your offer. You are so gracious. Your parents must be proud’

 

‘To be honest, I was adopted. I’ve never known my birth parents. My adoptive parents are the blessing of my life.’

 

‘Ah. Just as I’d hoped’ the old woman whispered.

 

‘Excuse me? What was that’?

 

‘Oh, nothing. This is my floor, dear’.

 

Before the doors closed, the elderly woman stopped.

 

‘Young lady. I know you don’t know who I am, but may I please give you a hug’?

 

‘Yes! I’ve been wanting to hug you’!

 

The 2 women embraced. Neither wanted to let go of the other.  They each had tears in their eyes as they said their good-byes. Unbeknownst to Deena, the old woman slipped a picture into Deenas’ pocket. They embraced once more, and the elevator doors closed.

Deena had never been struck by such emotion. She wasn’t sure what to make of it, but decided it was just one of those things.

 

On the other side of the elevator door, the elderly woman was crying tears of joy.

‘Farewell, my long-lost daughter’ were her last words.

 

Ambulances rushed to the site, but it was too late to save her. A crowd gathered around. Deena, too, was watching nervously. Police arrived to disperse the crowd. Deena stopped one of the officers to find out what happened.

 

‘Some old lady just died.’

 

Noticing tears in Deenas’ eyes, the cop asked if Deena knew her.

 

Holding out the picture, Deena whispered ‘she was my mother’.

 

©Antoinette Davis, October 2, 2019

 

Best childhood memories 10.2.19

I know it’s horrible, but I honestly don’t think I have that many good memories of my childhood. The one memory that sticks out in my mind happened when I was 5 or 6 years old.

My school was having a Halloween parade and party, but you had to have a costume in order to participate. My mom forgot my costume, and I had to sit in the principals’ office while the other kids went to the parade and party.

I was there for a little while, and I started crying. I looked up and my mom was there with my costume. She was hurrying to get me dressed. The whole time she was dressing me, she was saying ‘I’m so sorry, baby! I forgot about your party. Hurry up and get dressed!” I got dressed, and we ran across the street so that I could join the party. I was having the best time, and I looked up, and I saw my mom watching me. Our eyes connected, and I could tell that she was just as happy as I was. She was clapping along with me (from a short distance away), and I jumped up and down cuz I was so happy. She had the biggest smile on her face. She left after a few minutes of watching.

I don’t know if she even knew that I remembered this, or how strongly I felt about what she did for me. I never doubted her love for me, but this memory takes her love for her children to an amazing level for me. This is a memory I don’t think I’ll ever forget. Thanks, Mom :-) ♥♥♥

Make a list of five things you’re afraid of – 10.2.19

At first, I started to go with just regular, mundane things I'm scared of. Later, I decided I would dig a little deeper to make an honest list of what I'm afraid of. YES, I put clowns right up there at the top. **shudders**


Clowns – just too creepy! I don’t trust you if I can’t see your real face, or your emotions. 


Failure – I know they say nothing beats a failure but a try, but it would kill me if I failed at something that was truly important to me. It’s not the small failures I’m afraid of. It’s the big ones. 




Not being loved and always being lonely – THIS is something that keeps me up at night. The fear of me putting out love and not receiving it back scares the hell out of me. I don’t want to live my life alone, but every day I wonder when / if I will ever meet my other half. Maybe I’m destined to always be lonely. That scares me.



Not being able to let go of my childhood hurts – THIS, again, is one thing that keeps me up at night. I’m 55, and I’m still dogged by memories of all the bad things that happened to me as a child. I know that the hurts have kept me grounded in such a bad place. I’ve made SO much progress, but in my heart, I know it’s not enough. Or, rather, I haven’t done enough to take care of my mental health.

Continuing to live below my potential – Living with regrets scares me to death. I know I was put here to do something BIG, but I’m scared to do it. I’m just as scared NOT to do it. I’m scared I’ll die and would have lived beneath my true potential. And that would be a total waste of my life. 

Memory of a place that I visited as a child 10.1.19

Daily Writing Exercise, October 10.1.19: Memory of a place I visited as a child 

My long-term memory is so intact! I can even remember taking a bath in my moms' kitchen sink. I'm 55 years old, and the following memory has never left me.

When I was 2, I visited a mock jail. The location was at the Union Terminal; downtown, Cincinnati. The jail was on what I now know to be a trolley. On one side was a gun display. On the other; mock cells with mock prisoners. I remember my mom was carrying my brother. He was a chunky baby LOL! She had him on her left hip, and had me by my left hand as she walked us into the trolley / jail. I remember seeing a fake guard. I’m not sure why visiting this place had such an impact on me. I think that even as a child, I could feel the heaviness of what jail was really like. At 2 years of age, I had no way of verbalizing the slight fear that engulfed me. I knew even at that age that jail was somewhere I never wanted to visit, go to, or live in. It’s funny that I say that. Only because as an adult, I did manage to escape the physical jail – only to find myself in a mental, emotional, and spiritual jail. How ironic.

 

A Letter to my Parents

I decided to start doing daily writing exercises. Some of them are light-hearted, and others are like a punch to the gut. I'll be blogging some of my entries. I used to feel like sharing personal things was kind of taboo; but I realize that everybody goes through emotions, and it's ok to unload sometimes. If nothing else, people will read my entries, and they will connect with it in one way or another.

 

 

This is something I should have written so long ago. So let's start with the easy one. We'll call him SD. That's short for sperm donor. You paid child support, but that's about it. My very last memory of you is when I was about 13. I was very sick, and mom flagged you down to see if you could take me to the ER. Your response was that you didn't have time. From that moment on, you were dead to me. I hate the fact that I bear a striking resemblance to you. I resent the fact that you have about 10 kids all over the city. I used to wonder if you made time for them, as you never did for me. Those kids belong to YOU. I'm not part of them, and I do NOT claim them as my siblings. I have one brother, and his name is Gregory. Period. You and your dirty d**k disgust me. All those kids! My mom said I was conceived in rebellion, so I'm sure that my feelings about you are not a surprise. My mom was 17 and you were 24 when I was conceived. You nasty b*stard! I wish I could have had the chance to tell you this to your face, but you exited the earth before I got that pleasure. News of your death brought nothing more than a blank stare, and a shrug of the shoulders. Thanks for c*mming, and thanks for going. Deuces! *middle finger*

 

Well. Wasn't that pleasant? LOL!

 

 

Now the letter to you, mom, will probably be harder to express. But maybe not. Cuz mostly, all I feel for you is undying love and gratitude.

 

When I look back at who and what you were born to, I'm AMAZED that you grew up to be anything admirable or respectful. Your 'parents' were garbage, and treated you like no dog deserved to be treated. You were ignored, yelled at, raped, abused, disregarded, under-appreciated, mistreated, and maligned. I could go on, but this list alone makes my heart race, and raises my blood pressure! They never appreciated how good you were. They used you, and proceeded to chip away at your self-esteem. Time after time you were there for them, and all they did was tear your down. You didn't raise us to take that, and I can't for the life of me fathom why you took it from them. You told me that you decided at a very early age that you wouldn't be the same kind of parent that you had. Me and Greg benefitted from that decision. I always say that your first act of love for me was refusing to take a pill that would make you miscarry. Thank you mom. You loved me before you even saw my face. Your defiant act has never escaped my mind or my heart. I could have been born to 'parents' like yours. I'm so grateful that you even decided to birth me. You had everything to lose by keeping me. I remember how you said your 'mother' lived right next door to you, and didn't help you when you had me. You crawled on your hands and knees to the bathtub where you would wash my diapers out. An 18-year old new mom crawling on the floor so that her baby could have clean diapers. Just...OMG!!! Wow. That image will stay with me as long as I live. Your friends caught wind of what you were going through, and they began to come over after school to help you. It's a shame that your 'mother' lived right next door, but left the job of helping you to your 17 and 18 year old friends. How f***ing triflin' and uncaring can one person be? That enrages me to no end! She's your 'mother'. Not mine. Skany h*e! MY mother would never leave anybody to suffer alone. MY mother helped everybody she knew - even if it meant her going without food, or whatever the need was. MY mother pushed her own kids and all other kids to do their best, and live their best life. You gave away all of your good to everybody you knew. Your heart was the one thing that managed to survive your tragic, disgusting, repulsive, and unacceptable childhood. For that, I am beyond grateful and awed. Your love for me is / was awing - or awe-inspiring. Whichever. Your heart and spirit. Just, wow. I don't think anyone deserved to have you, and maybe that's why God called you home. In your 61 years, you lived such a very hard life. You were tired, and I can understand that now as a woman of 55. Only so much the human spirit can endure. You made your mistakes, as all parents do. But honestly, all I feel for you is tremendous love and gratitude. I know you did your absolute best, and dammit, that's good enough for me!!! I hope you're not up there beating yourself up. We all make mistakes. It comes with the human skin. I wish there was more I could have done for you, but I did the best I could with where my mentality was at the time of your death. I hope you're resting your strong, beautiful spirit. Your heart was pure, beautiful, and so very rare. I'm not sure I'll meet another like you. I have nothing but love for you. How could I possibly hate a woman who loved me with all her heart? You said I was the first person you ever fully loved. I can assure you that you were my first love as well. Rest easy, my angel. You've surely earned it. I'll see you on the other side. All my love forever, and beyond. Thank you, mom ♥♥♥

 

© Antoinette Davis, October 10, 2019