I decided to
start doing daily writing exercises. Some of them are light-hearted, and others
are like a punch to the gut. I'll be blogging some of my entries. I used to
feel like sharing personal things was kind of taboo; but I realize that
everybody goes through emotions, and it's ok to unload sometimes. If nothing
else, people will read my entries, and they will connect with it in one way or
another.
This is something I should have written so long ago.
So let's start with the easy one. We'll call him SD. That's short for sperm
donor. You paid child support, but that's about it. My very last memory of you
is when I was about 13. I was very sick, and mom flagged you down to see if you
could take me to the ER. Your response was that you didn't have time. From that
moment on, you were dead to me. I hate the fact that I bear a striking
resemblance to you. I resent the fact that you have about 10 kids all over the
city. I used to wonder if you made time for them, as you never did for me.
Those kids belong to YOU. I'm not part of them, and I do NOT claim them as my
siblings. I have one brother, and his name is Gregory. Period. You and your
dirty d**k disgust me. All those kids! My mom said I was conceived in
rebellion, so I'm sure that my feelings about you are not a surprise. My mom
was 17 and you were 24 when I was conceived. You nasty b*stard! I wish I could
have had the chance to tell you this to your face, but you exited the earth
before I got that pleasure. News of your death brought nothing more than a
blank stare, and a shrug of the shoulders. Thanks for c*mming, and thanks for
going. Deuces! *middle finger*
Well. Wasn't that pleasant? LOL!
Now the letter to you, mom, will probably be harder to
express. But maybe not. Cuz mostly, all I feel for you is undying love and
gratitude.
When I look back at who and what you were born to, I'm
AMAZED that you grew up to be anything admirable or respectful. Your 'parents'
were garbage, and treated you like no dog deserved to be treated. You were
ignored, yelled at, raped, abused, disregarded, under-appreciated, mistreated,
and maligned. I could go on, but this list alone makes my heart race, and
raises my blood pressure! They never appreciated how good you were. They used
you, and proceeded to chip away at your self-esteem. Time after time you were
there for them, and all they did was tear your down. You didn't raise us to
take that, and I can't for the life of me fathom why you took it from them. You
told me that you decided at a very early age that you wouldn't be the same kind
of parent that you had. Me and Greg benefitted from that decision. I always say
that your first act of love for me was refusing to take a pill that would make
you miscarry. Thank you mom. You loved me before you even saw my face. Your
defiant act has never escaped my mind or my heart. I could have been born to
'parents' like yours. I'm so grateful that you even decided to birth me. You
had everything to lose by keeping me. I remember how you said your 'mother'
lived right next door to you, and didn't help you when you had me. You crawled
on your hands and knees to the bathtub where you would wash my diapers out. An
18-year old new mom crawling on the floor so that her baby could have clean
diapers. Just...OMG!!! Wow. That image will stay with me as long as I live.
Your friends caught wind of what you were going through, and they began to come
over after school to help you. It's a shame that your 'mother' lived right next
door, but left the job of helping you to your 17 and 18 year old friends. How
f***ing triflin' and uncaring can one person be? That enrages me to no
end! She's your 'mother'. Not mine. Skany h*e! MY mother would never leave
anybody to suffer alone. MY mother helped everybody she knew - even if it meant
her going without food, or whatever the need was. MY mother pushed her own kids
and all other kids to do their best, and live their best life. You gave away
all of your good to everybody you knew. Your heart was the one thing that
managed to survive your tragic, disgusting, repulsive, and unacceptable
childhood. For that, I am beyond grateful and awed. Your love for me is / was
awing - or awe-inspiring. Whichever. Your heart and spirit. Just, wow. I don't
think anyone deserved to have you, and maybe that's why God called you home. In
your 61 years, you lived such a very hard life. You were tired, and I
can understand that now as a woman of 55. Only so much the human spirit can
endure. You made your mistakes, as all parents do. But honestly, all I feel for
you is tremendous love and gratitude. I know you did your absolute best, and
dammit, that's good enough for me!!! I hope you're not up there beating
yourself up. We all make mistakes. It comes with the human skin. I wish there
was more I could have done for you, but I did the best I could with where my
mentality was at the time of your death. I hope you're resting your strong,
beautiful spirit. Your heart was pure, beautiful, and so very rare. I'm not
sure I'll meet another like you. I have nothing but love for you. How could I
possibly hate a woman who loved me with all her heart? You said I was the first
person you ever fully loved. I can assure you that you were my first love as
well. Rest easy, my angel. You've surely earned it. I'll see you on the other
side. All my love forever, and beyond. Thank you, mom ♥♥♥
© Antoinette Davis, October 10, 2019
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